I. need. to. focus.

I. need. to. work. harder.

I. need. to. be. less. broke.

so....

Joanna want your birthday present? =D

Visions and Aspirations ~ part three

It's been a while since I blogged, let alone touched on my 'confessions' series. There are many reasons why such a delay has occurred, despite some of you (most probably) eagerly waiting in anticipation of this series, mainly due to the fact that perhaps none has approached such topics in such a manner. I'm generally a person who is very lazy honestly, which also explains as much as I enjoy the fun in blogging, I also am very inconsistent in the number of posts. For that, I sincerely apologize for those who have been faithful in checking back for the presence (or lack of) updates. I am in the midst of trying to discipline myself, so I hope it bear fruit, for the sake of the miniscule amount of people who actually follow this blog, faithfully. Most of which, I know, are close, priceless friends. =)

Cute right? it's taken from http://blog.arulns.com/

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Most people wonder why my blog posts, other than it's inconsistency, has a very roller coaster ride feel to it and has lots of poems, rhymes, and riddles written all over it. Extreme emotions reign wildy here. Some have actually labelled me “emotionally unstable person” after reading my blog posts. For those who are not as familiar to me as you hope, I am actually a thoughtful but outgoing, moody person with the regular teenaged mood swings and emotional upheavals. This blog stands for actually a very simple purpose: not to get famous, but as a venting point for all my emotions, views and situations whenever it's convenient and not harmful. There. Explaination done, let's get down to business.

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Since the primary concern nowadays is with the situation of the church in my local area, of which a very interesting and disturbing development has even implied the local government in, and that my previous blog post was about that, I shall start with that. This, I warn, will be an extremely long post.

Unfortunately, no, I am not going to comment on the church situation's with it's Alkitab issue, this series is meant for my own personal outpouring. Sorry. Another post, another time perhaps.

After leaving the church for so long (5 months I believe, i've lost count), I've grown comfortable to stay on the outside. With comforts of not having an early morning to attend to every week, and lack of righteous or 'righteous' people, the sense of freedom was overwhelming. The lack of need to 'conform' or 'behave', to any standards whatsoever, given the liberal mind of secular society, gave me an entire dimension to expand and explore. Unfortunately, which were not necesarry good things to explore.

The lack of need of controling one's toungue and actions, the lack of taboo to items like nightlife and self discipline meant I quickly spiralled out of control in the last five months. If you read through the last few month's worth of blog posts, I drank, got fully drunk, went clubbing and bar hopping, stopped devotion, started cussing, skipped classes, spent like a wild animal and the list goes on and on. For many who found out in the period, were shocked at my state. Many wondered what on earth was happening to this “holy” guy.

And that, I guess is the main part of the problem.

Like most people, there seems to be a disconnect with who they actually are to what is shown to people on the surface. Even those who show everything they are at face value itself, shrink from the actual thing after scars and bruises (which coincidentally was borne mostly in adolescent and young adulthood) to put masks on. Double standards, cover ups, fakeness. And despite what I lashed out at people in church to be the most, even compared to “unrighteous people” outside of church, I realize, ever more so clearly as time passes, that I suffer from the same syndrom. If anything, my problems would be grave, very grave.

I realized I only participated in things and do things and act out, not to what I am or what I truly want, but to the whims and fancy of what people feel and think and do that's right. Peer and Authorial pressure drives so much of the things I, or most people do. And the funniest question here is who started the damn process as the process is self harming and bonding over time. There might be, as I fear now, a situation where I lose my identity, who I am.

This, of course doesn't just limit to bad things like drinking and cussing like I was some grumpy old sailor. Even good things like daily devotion and serving can be pressure driven. But this raises a very mind blowing question: if you do good things just cause you're pressured to conform, wouldnt that be a bad thing once all the leashes are released off you? That made me wonder and reflect.

Was I ever a good person cause I was 'required' to be? Did I learn this subjects just because everyone takes it? Do I do the daily devout motions just cause I feel the need to, not cause of outpouring of awe and love for the Almighty God? Am I a christian just cause most of my friends do? Is is what I do with my life? What are the lifetime goals then?

Honestly speaking, if I had not noticed this from the recent spat of disastrous events, I would've wasted my whole life. This is what is the blessing in disguise.

The door for me to rejoin church back in the capacities I was in, probably except power positions in youth, is wide open. However, that is why I hesistate to reinstate myself despite the heart warming, eye-balling open invitation for me. I realize I need to make sure I know where i'm going and I do what I preach. I need to make sure I know of who I am and that I act out what I really am.

That, is surprisingly the biggest challenge of them all. Especially since, I know thus far, me for real, isn't a very pretty sight.

Taken from http://peanuts.com/

I am about to turn 20. A believe many take that I also agree to is that your teenaged years are the years where you set a path for where you head to till the end of your life. Visions, value systems, aspirations, identity, etc. Given that i'm on my way out of teenhood, I need to make sure all this is set by the time the world start slamming brick loads of challenges and setbacks in my life – for which in the last 5 years or so, has been piling on in a steady increasing intensity.

And that, I guess is my biggest dilemma. I know of a lot of things. I am in touch, given the modern advancements of technology, with a lot of people. I am capable of doing many things – many of which are solved over the unfair challenges and handicaps I got – well. However, there is one problem:

I do not know of what on earth I should dedicate my life to.

I have many aspirations and plans. I have values. I have dreams, fantasies, hopes, fears, advantages and set backs. The problem is as always, the issue of whether one regrets once his life is over. Everthing done should have a valid reason – a reason that you will not regret. That is what I fear, will prevent me from even trying out in life – and regretting.

And I have absolutely no intentions of regretting my whole life.

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But why on earth do i keep remembering the past? sigh.

wheee

Give me a reason.
A reason to believe
A reason to hold on
A reason to care

Give me a cause
A cause worth it's while
A cause that doesn't dissapoint
A cause unthreaded by humankind

The past still haunts
Can i put it behind and start again?