Thinking too much

Maybe i should. Maybe i shouldn't.

-sigh-

someone please end this misery.

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The system

I've faced, i've tried, i've heard, i've seen.

I've discussed, i've deliberated, i've negotiated, i've pleaded.

I've gone, I've hurt, I've lashed, and i've given up.

I've gone through the system, I've fought, I'm tried, and perhaps it is enough for me.



-or maybe only just for now.-

I'm burning the bridges,
Of those not worth the while to tread;

The favour has been given,
And grace is running out of humanity.

Losing my mind

Waking up in the morning
Without a reason to be up
No motivation
No reward

Smiling without a reason
Seemingly to hide
Unable to forget
Unable to put behind

Betraying the truth
Straying the light
No reason to be close
No more reason to be sane

Looks like i am just joining the horde
Looks like i am losing my mind

exam is over.
woopeeweedaa.

-hyperventilates-

Birthday, Love, Life.

I guess an update is necessary to my slightly puzzling behavior of the past month or so is necessary.

I have seemed to have disconnected with certain groups of people whom i was very close with before. Church, school, JS friends. And there was the incident where i actually gave people the scare by removing my birth date from Facebook till the last hour of my birthday just to see who remembered. It seems that i am seeking for attention or am just sulking around. Well there are real reasons behind it.

I have grown fed up of trying to keep in touch and be concerned with people when people simply do not return the favor. I am fed up of being the emotional fodder where people need a listening ear or my words of comfort only when necessary. And i am sick of the situation where when i need people to stand by me through my difficult times, i see friends scram for safety instead.

I know a birthday is not a critical thing. I know most people rely on Facebook birthday reminders so that they never miss a beat. But it's my cry to tell people i'm still around. As for most of this people, i seemed to have disappeared off the face of this bloody Earth. I'm just saying, I have done so much, could you not as so much just effing make an effort to remember and wish me on one of my most important birthdays? I'm 20. I am freaking 20.

The situation that happened in church and school friends wasnt completely my fault. Believe me when i still wish i could've stop what has happened and the side effects it brought. But the very same thing is i had no support during then bar a personal prayer from a couple distant sources, and i was left to fend on my own. Yet again.

It made me realize that i have chosen a lot of wrong priorities. i have wasted precious time. On people that do not give two damns about me. Or so it seems. I guess only time and realization will make certain bastards patch up their situation. Sad indeed.

And so it seems that people treat friendship very lightly nowadays. This is a very sad situation. No wonder so many people i know struggle in loneliness and depression. No wonder i'm not alone in the situation, even though in someways i am worse off.

I have also decided not to talk about a presence of a love in my life or the lack of which. Yes, there might be someone i like, and yes, it's a break through as i seemed to have finally come out more or less straight, but no, i am not interested to have a relationship now - simply as i do not have the capacity in any way. And yes, deciding not to go after someone is almost literal suicide, and yes, the person knows the situation, but no, i do not think the person is fully grasping and understanding how hard it is on my side. I do not mind that, however, and that is all i wanna say anymore for now. Whoever she is, she deserves, much, much, much better.

Yes i am a scumbag in that sense. I do not have much self esteem. And i never had much. That, i guess, is that.

And the decision whether i go back to church, and to which church, will still hang in the balance. Several new issues developed and i am not happy with it. I am, however, interested, in making a coalition that drives forward something new - radical change. That will be my new life.

Meanwhile, a new era beckons for me. it has finally started. Insomnia, come. My personal demons, come. I'm battling you straight on. Alone.

-------
I still wish certain things can stay the way they are. Why on earth are you guys just fucking forgetting me? ish. I've tried, I've tried. Yet it seems, not enough.