Moving on?

Finally, a proper update.

As you've probably deciphered, i haven't had things easy for the past few weeks/months. Had stuff, which i shall duly explain in a short moment. This post might hurt/offend/destroy. Read at your own discretion. Especially those SPECIFICALLY told to read it.

I've had a lot in this short, nearly 19 years (yes i am that old) of my life. And the past 3-4 years has been particularly tough. Disappointments. Betrayal. Abuse. Hurts. Yet, all things in life, somehow ends up balanced. I also have had the most growing, experience and fun things i can thank God for in this past period of time.

I gleefully hope i can go to the next phase in life where i can hopefully find a more restful time, but alas, this is not to be, at least yet. I am a person with life full of action. My life is never stagnant. I have to keep moving.

And this post is part of moving on.

Perhaps not with situations though.

First.

I did not ever choose to struggle or to remain in my problems. (though some i do linger in a while due to confusion) The fact is some of these problems never seem to ever ever end. They range a whole lot, from simple attitude problems like lack of QT and rest, to somethings big which is never, ever on my fault. Sexual problems (how on earth is that a fault of mine??!!), emotional distress, letdowns and the lot.

And at this point i refuse to let any of this drag me down. But i cannot, and i will not, run away from the fact that that problem is there. When i say i have issues, i mean it, and i appreciate either help, understanding or just plain f***ing off.

Besides most things that let me down is people anyways.

From all my experiences, i hold very simple, but strict values. Black is black and white is white when it can be. Promises are to be kept. Responsibility is a important virtue. What is said and done should just be left at what is said and done. Plain and simple. No messing. No compromise.

And it pisses me off for people who hypocritically miss those values when they darn well know it's not something they should mess with with all the training, drilling, expectations and experiences they've been through.

People are not perfect. I know it perfectly well. Because, i am similarly human. Some people, however think otherwise. They think the only humans that should help humans are they themselves super humans when the fact is they are only super hypocrite humans.

I never meant to interfere wrongly in affairs. I however did more then what it is strictly necessary of me because i do not agree to just let things be. I stood on by. I offered help. I did not ask for power or rewards. I emphasized that the person in power EXERCISE properly their rights to power instead of letting someone abuse it in their place. I am pissed with ungrateful people when my only wanted sign of gratefulness is to help their bloody own self survive.

I have did wrong. I agree i did. But don't ever accuse me of doing wrong when you do not even know the proper details. And i am only volunteering to help.

And all this despite being the biggest f***ed up person in that single scandal that permanently WRECKED my life.

I did things because i thought of the benefit of all. I never desired to take credit. Sure, affirmation is nice, but i do not care whether you give it or not. I only wanted the best for the people that i care.

But i guess some people do not deserve caring at all.

Also.

I have had enough with the oh-so righteous. The judge-mental. The suckers who never keep to promises. I trusted you with discreet information. I literally trusted you with my life. I made myself vulnerable too you, and i mean you. I needed help, not shit. You promised. You remembered the information. You took it and destroyed, me.

As if being screwed by that honorary Ah Pang is not enough.

You choose to punish by not holding on to something you promise. Running away by committing elsewhere. Or else, you judged. You condemned. As if struggling with sexual attractions to the wrong sex is my choice. As if being screwed is my choice. As if i want to live with homosexuality issues when the fact that I"M STILL STRUGGLING is proof enough that i do not want to remain, and i have not yet given up.

Isn't almost choosing to die proof enough of my situation?

Isn't trying to find help but getting screwed in the end enough?

And do not think i am not speaking about YOU.

These people has been a total disappointment. Ungrateful. Untrustworthy. And these people do not deserve my friendship. You have wrecked my life enough. F*** YOU AND GET LOST.

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And yet there are people whom i cannot stop appreciating. Despite their shortcomings, despite their distance, despite not really getting it, they stood by. They supported. They gave me life. They made me smile for real, AGAIN.