Grace.

In the midst of all my uncertainties,
Where all i had was shattered dreams;
Where all await me was a probable despair,
I've found a hope.

In the midst of all my insecurities,
Where all i had was myself to blame;
Where all i anticipated was but the ridicule of people,
I found a peace.

In the midst of all the bitterness,
Where all i see is anger and hatred;
Where all i get is more hurts and sorrow,
I found a love.

In the midst of all the despair and hopelessness,
Where all things seem in vain;
Where all the world seems to be upside down,
I found a faith.

Where all this comes into place,
I realize,
I found G R A C E.

(Adapted from 1 Corinthians 13.13)

Insecurities - A Monolouge

Crap. I've failed. Again. And Again. And again. And now again.

Damn it.

Senses Nulled,
Conscious Ignored;
Leaving,
A greater step towards doom.

Have i done enough to put me in place? Have i done enough of what He says? Have i ignored, just a little too much?

Wretched. Wretched. Wretched. Wretched. Wretched. Wretched. Wretched.

For i desired too much for what i shouldn't. And i did more of what i need not.

I'm insecure. I'm lost. Perhaps soon forever.

You stupid adulterine, cheating, double-crossing, faithless, false-hearted, fickle, foresworn, inconstant, incontinent, moonlighting, not true to, of bad faith, perfidious, philandering, recreant, shifty, snaky, sneaking, traitorous, treasonable, two-faced, two-timing, unchaste, unreliable, untrustworthy, wicked imbecile! Ungrateful brat.

But i must forgive myself. Haih. But will some people do? Or am i forever a condemned being?

Then it seems to be unworth of me entering heaven, is it? At the back of curses and swearing?

Haiz. I must not cut myself. I must not.

But i am already psychologically. And near defeat. And people shall keep using me till i collapse under the burden of my own making.

Abba. abba?

-------

Must. Listen. To. From. The. Inside. Out.

I am blessed. =)

Spamming.

Enjoy your results, people.

Enjoyed d heck in d reu... =D

Wad a long week it was...

Trashing meself

Ok, i'm here staring blankly as i type each painful letter to the com wondering how the heck am i gonna do this sunday's MYF program without crossing red lines. I got myself into tricky shit, this, and i only have me to blame. MYFers reading this, you were warned. But it might be epic. XD

Anyways,

After a whole aimless time of searching, i guess that another thing that should put the blame on myself is of my studies. As you all know, i've been bumming around for too long and too anxiously about it. Despite reminders that i need to get my bum somewhere, or relaxing in the grace of God's knowledge and plan, i never listened. Either way. Reason is probably because i knew i had other things that is hindering me. Correct that, one thing. Me.

After being trashed in the months coming up and tru SPM + SPM results, which you all know that i got MUCH worse than initially targetted, i lost all confidence in myself. Not that i had a lot of it, or that that issue destroyed it. It was like the end of my rope (except that somewhat rescue-ing from certain people that mean A HECK lot in my life now... XD), and that was the setting of the precedent.

Condemning myself, i started seeing a lot of course as too big a task, too brilliant, too challenging, or just too expensive that i am worth of. Choices flew out of the window. I just forced myself to ignore the fact that i don't have an extra life to play my future with, and did i play. One year, GONE.

Being stupid, i kept at insisting on doing some 'right things' that i shouldn't study yet because i need to get working experience, family needs me to work, make statement, etc etc etc. Knowing full well, i was being stupid, i proceeded to bring my disappointments and depression to the next level of self mutilation. Future killing.

And blaming others won't help, surely. And i guess it is time to face that since that, i have been trashing myself. Now almost everything due to me and not, is in pieces when the simple fact is that i should have taken care of myself and not bother about the others. Instead, i chose to destroy myself.

And i guess i managed to to quite a large extent, now with options and time running out, i have no where to run. I have to face the truth. I have to face the face that people tried to destroy me, but i must help myself as some others are trying to save me.

I have been trashing myself. But maybe it is the time to be selfish-ly responsible of myself? But it just might be just that little too little little too late. Sigh.

I am depressed. Trash coming up.

What do i do to those dat will not help demself but u are being hurt wen dey dun?

What do i do to those who are just so unrightfully authoritative over you?

What do i do?