Swallowing the pride

Sorry I've not blogged in a while. But believe me when i say if you were to read what i would say in the past few months that i have not blogged, all of you would have gotten fed up of the same old, same old i always post.

and i believe the wait is worth it.

I've had enough of wallowing and being stuck in the same spot. I've had enough of giving in. I'm letting it go and i'm coming back. I'm not gonna give a single damn to whatever whosoever decided to say.

Troubles? what troubles. i. do. not. care.

whoever is saying shit about me, screw you. i trusted you with information that you blew it up and shared with people whom are equal hypocritical bollocks. everyone thinks they know the truth about me, but they do not.

No one has experienced what i have experienced in the past 4 years. no one has to go through the same either. i stand by my principals. no one can change that - even by killing me.

i trust no one, and no one trusts me anymore, anyway. so what the hell, i'm moving on.

if no one wants to have what i stand for and what i have to give, it is fine. if no one, even amongst my closest friends, appreciate me for who i am, i do not care. even if it is my family. i will just move on and leave the things, for better and greater stuff.

i operate life, my way from henceforth. my rules. no more compromises. and no one stands in my way. ever.

the change i've been talking about, starts here and now. and all will know.

i've swallowed enough pride to say i'm bitter. and this pride now allows me to say i've been through it all, and i will come out victorious, in my own right. it will not affect me - i only get better. =)

the new dawn of my life will come. no matter what. and now.

Bye.

When will i find the courage,
To speak up?

When will i find the faith,
To denounce the evils?

When will i find the guts,
To stand on what's right?

When will i find the strength,
To get up,
               pack up,
                            say my goodbyes,
                                                       and leave?

I wish i can be once at a place;
A place i called home.

But the place is so alien now;
The place so... polluted.

My heart breaks.

=(

Addicted

A new day and a new life,
A new opportunity and a new time;
A new redemption and mercy,
A new forgiveness is given to all.

It's a new start from the old,
It's a new chance from the mistakes done;
It's a gift given from on high,
But what is the point if one does not repent?

No change,
The same mistakes again and again;
A guess,
That thereafter the addiction starts.

-sigh-

When

What will you do:
When nothing seems right anymore,
Where no where is home anymore,
Where all enthusiasm is lost;

What will you do:
When no place belongs to you,
Where all integrity is lost,
Where all hope seems gone.

What will you do:
When you no longer am able to go the distance,
When despair is everywhere,
When all you can do is pray.

Then the question sometimes is,
Why are you only turning now;
When everything is already futile.

Why are you only giving in,
And doing only so much, so late?

of delays and looking bad. this is not a very good start.

I realize i haven't posted in a while. so yeah. time to boil over.

NYRC. (credits to the various NYRC photographers for the naize pictures)
-edit: for those who are wondering, NYRC stands for Nothern Youth Revival Camp.-


hard at work. =p



Yeah. That many came. only from the north, and all committed for one purpose - prayer for revival. prayer for change. prayer for more who care. opened my eyes quite a bit. also due to other reasons *ah-hem* =p , but mainly due to the fact i never saw so many people in one place that actually care of the things that happen around them. The cry was strong, and it is genuine. Was personally very strengthened.

It wasnt that bad things didnt happen, it's juz that i saw and heard so much encouraging things that even though it's almost two months ago, i still remember almost every session in it's fleshly detail. i remember all the important parts - parts where i desired to get out of the place, parts where i was at the point of balling my eyes out, parts where i felt pain and convictions for my thoughts and actions, parts where i felt the peace and comfort i now so rarely experience.

I also got a very clear message, of which i'm still struggling with. only a word came in, very personal words if you ask me or know me well enough - "faith." The whole thing. 5 days. searching and digging. just. faith. and the questions, perhaps start from where the answer itself.

Just a few days back i laid my finger on something related. Sure, i still believe in what is done and the creed to be and what not. It's just that after being so long in it and doing so much, it has proven futile. I've lost faith in the system. I believe the fundamentals. but not, the system.

I've seen enough of commercialization and dilution of the word. I've seen too much self-righteousness and politics. I've been through too much rejections, persecutions, and ridiculous incidents. The very place i trusted, is stuck up. And i am fed up.

The thing is, the system is also all that i've known. So now, it leaves me one thing - lost. confused. helpless. The very thing that i've relied on. My substance of life and purpose, has let me down. the belief is still there, deep down. but it's shell is shattered and it itself in a condition nearly beyond recognition.

The thing is, I've had enough of trying to escape. so many moons has past beyond that expiry date. It's no longer the fear and the hurt that is doing it. I'm addicted. I'm self-destructive. It no longer feels alright. It never has been ever since. I need to get the **** up and do something.

But what? That, i do not know. Faith?

regain faith in the very institutions that has let me down? have faith in the system again, the people that has time and again lose me and rendered me useless? have faith in the idiocy of doing the same things again and again, expecting a different result? or just... what?

with one answer comes other questions. and i am fed up of questions itself. It's not that i don't want it simple. I can't be. I've seen and known too much for my own good. And even when i want it to be simple, i am pushed to think more due to what happens around me.

And yet, i'm still the puppet. Puppet of power, politics. Puppet of the system. Victim. And no relent, thank you.

And it's not that i don't want to believe. I do. I just need a regain the reason. haih.

God, why am i kept alive again? This is torture beyond belief.

-to be continued-

Fragmented thoughts

Sorry i cant update so soon, but this is just a very fragmented cover of what's what in my life right now via my thought train in real time. Warning: no particular order and potentially confusing. Read it slowly.

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Friends migrating. Haih.

Sick. And dad's sick. Now who's gonna be worried sick? isssssh.

Assignment assignment assignment.

Overspent. Needz. Moar Money.

Bersih.

ooo i want that data plan.

-brain farts-

What did the lecturer say again?

Transformers was awesome. Shitty story but...

Owh crap Harry Potter this wednesday midnight.

...

Work.

Oh damn yesterday's church beer fest was utterly disgusting. Almost felt like having a mass murder or something.

Stomach. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. $%$%W#$%@##~~~

I wish i can get away with...

No.

Oooo tat girl looks a lot like her.

Owh yea she hasnt updated her FB.

-brain farts again-

Why am i feeling so depressed again?

Foooooood.

That cooper looks awesome.

...

why is... -brain fart-

Facebook. Sims soundtrack.

i met her. oh. my gosh. (ps: that was almost a month ago)

phone battery... wait i just charged it.

class tomorrow. malaysian studies. fml.

court case.

company logo. website. event. gaaaaaah dad sick.

I need a break.

I'm thirsty.

Damn i forgot to check my car pressure and fluid levels again.

stomach pain stomach pain stomach pain pelvis... wait a second.

ow. -brain farts-

cant sleep.

need to read bible.

Ramadan is around the corner.

College AC is cold.

Why arent...

gosh. NYRC. MYF Sunday.

huh?

that preacher was loud. and self promoting.

Wait why does pastors need to MLM again?

mammoth. tank. must. die.

What's happening?

Aaaah. her.

-brain farts-

GAAAAAAAAAH. pain.

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so yeah. as you cant see. Some one needs their brain empty for once and stomach pain to be gone. I needz a vacation.

A little random post.

Reminders. So important.

"have faith"




yes, Lord. =)

Will tell in detail on what's up. maybe an emo poem again. =S

Thinking too much

Maybe i should. Maybe i shouldn't.

-sigh-

someone please end this misery.

(c) Image 2011. All rights reserved to owner.

The system

I've faced, i've tried, i've heard, i've seen.

I've discussed, i've deliberated, i've negotiated, i've pleaded.

I've gone, I've hurt, I've lashed, and i've given up.

I've gone through the system, I've fought, I'm tried, and perhaps it is enough for me.



-or maybe only just for now.-

I'm burning the bridges,
Of those not worth the while to tread;

The favour has been given,
And grace is running out of humanity.

Losing my mind

Waking up in the morning
Without a reason to be up
No motivation
No reward

Smiling without a reason
Seemingly to hide
Unable to forget
Unable to put behind

Betraying the truth
Straying the light
No reason to be close
No more reason to be sane

Looks like i am just joining the horde
Looks like i am losing my mind

exam is over.
woopeeweedaa.

-hyperventilates-

Birthday, Love, Life.

I guess an update is necessary to my slightly puzzling behavior of the past month or so is necessary.

I have seemed to have disconnected with certain groups of people whom i was very close with before. Church, school, JS friends. And there was the incident where i actually gave people the scare by removing my birth date from Facebook till the last hour of my birthday just to see who remembered. It seems that i am seeking for attention or am just sulking around. Well there are real reasons behind it.

I have grown fed up of trying to keep in touch and be concerned with people when people simply do not return the favor. I am fed up of being the emotional fodder where people need a listening ear or my words of comfort only when necessary. And i am sick of the situation where when i need people to stand by me through my difficult times, i see friends scram for safety instead.

I know a birthday is not a critical thing. I know most people rely on Facebook birthday reminders so that they never miss a beat. But it's my cry to tell people i'm still around. As for most of this people, i seemed to have disappeared off the face of this bloody Earth. I'm just saying, I have done so much, could you not as so much just effing make an effort to remember and wish me on one of my most important birthdays? I'm 20. I am freaking 20.

The situation that happened in church and school friends wasnt completely my fault. Believe me when i still wish i could've stop what has happened and the side effects it brought. But the very same thing is i had no support during then bar a personal prayer from a couple distant sources, and i was left to fend on my own. Yet again.

It made me realize that i have chosen a lot of wrong priorities. i have wasted precious time. On people that do not give two damns about me. Or so it seems. I guess only time and realization will make certain bastards patch up their situation. Sad indeed.

And so it seems that people treat friendship very lightly nowadays. This is a very sad situation. No wonder so many people i know struggle in loneliness and depression. No wonder i'm not alone in the situation, even though in someways i am worse off.

I have also decided not to talk about a presence of a love in my life or the lack of which. Yes, there might be someone i like, and yes, it's a break through as i seemed to have finally come out more or less straight, but no, i am not interested to have a relationship now - simply as i do not have the capacity in any way. And yes, deciding not to go after someone is almost literal suicide, and yes, the person knows the situation, but no, i do not think the person is fully grasping and understanding how hard it is on my side. I do not mind that, however, and that is all i wanna say anymore for now. Whoever she is, she deserves, much, much, much better.

Yes i am a scumbag in that sense. I do not have much self esteem. And i never had much. That, i guess, is that.

And the decision whether i go back to church, and to which church, will still hang in the balance. Several new issues developed and i am not happy with it. I am, however, interested, in making a coalition that drives forward something new - radical change. That will be my new life.

Meanwhile, a new era beckons for me. it has finally started. Insomnia, come. My personal demons, come. I'm battling you straight on. Alone.

-------
I still wish certain things can stay the way they are. Why on earth are you guys just fucking forgetting me? ish. I've tried, I've tried. Yet it seems, not enough.

Everyone tells me how beautiful you are
And what a lucky man I am
Although they all can see the way you look at me
They couldn’t see it like I can

Chorus:
If they could see you through my eyes
They’d know where the real beauty lies
Deep inside your hearth
Who you really are
If they could see you through my eyes

Only I have to do is gently touch your face
Baby I can tell so much
Although I’ll never see the way you look at me
I know I’m the lucky one

Chronicles of an Insomniac: part two

It's come back
Unable to sleep
Random thoughts haunting
Or maybe none at all



Thinking of something
Perhaps something
It's a dilemma
It's a heartache



Still unable to sleep
Stressed over something
Stressed over something
But unable to put a source



5am and still kicking
Health deteriorating every second
Misery prolonged and returned
Perhaps help is needed



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(c)2011. All rights reserved to blog owner. Pictures taken from random google.com image searches.

dissapointed.

I. need. to. focus.

I. need. to. work. harder.

I. need. to. be. less. broke.

so....

Joanna want your birthday present? =D

Visions and Aspirations ~ part three

It's been a while since I blogged, let alone touched on my 'confessions' series. There are many reasons why such a delay has occurred, despite some of you (most probably) eagerly waiting in anticipation of this series, mainly due to the fact that perhaps none has approached such topics in such a manner. I'm generally a person who is very lazy honestly, which also explains as much as I enjoy the fun in blogging, I also am very inconsistent in the number of posts. For that, I sincerely apologize for those who have been faithful in checking back for the presence (or lack of) updates. I am in the midst of trying to discipline myself, so I hope it bear fruit, for the sake of the miniscule amount of people who actually follow this blog, faithfully. Most of which, I know, are close, priceless friends. =)

Cute right? it's taken from http://blog.arulns.com/

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Most people wonder why my blog posts, other than it's inconsistency, has a very roller coaster ride feel to it and has lots of poems, rhymes, and riddles written all over it. Extreme emotions reign wildy here. Some have actually labelled me “emotionally unstable person” after reading my blog posts. For those who are not as familiar to me as you hope, I am actually a thoughtful but outgoing, moody person with the regular teenaged mood swings and emotional upheavals. This blog stands for actually a very simple purpose: not to get famous, but as a venting point for all my emotions, views and situations whenever it's convenient and not harmful. There. Explaination done, let's get down to business.

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Since the primary concern nowadays is with the situation of the church in my local area, of which a very interesting and disturbing development has even implied the local government in, and that my previous blog post was about that, I shall start with that. This, I warn, will be an extremely long post.

Unfortunately, no, I am not going to comment on the church situation's with it's Alkitab issue, this series is meant for my own personal outpouring. Sorry. Another post, another time perhaps.

After leaving the church for so long (5 months I believe, i've lost count), I've grown comfortable to stay on the outside. With comforts of not having an early morning to attend to every week, and lack of righteous or 'righteous' people, the sense of freedom was overwhelming. The lack of need to 'conform' or 'behave', to any standards whatsoever, given the liberal mind of secular society, gave me an entire dimension to expand and explore. Unfortunately, which were not necesarry good things to explore.

The lack of need of controling one's toungue and actions, the lack of taboo to items like nightlife and self discipline meant I quickly spiralled out of control in the last five months. If you read through the last few month's worth of blog posts, I drank, got fully drunk, went clubbing and bar hopping, stopped devotion, started cussing, skipped classes, spent like a wild animal and the list goes on and on. For many who found out in the period, were shocked at my state. Many wondered what on earth was happening to this “holy” guy.

And that, I guess is the main part of the problem.

Like most people, there seems to be a disconnect with who they actually are to what is shown to people on the surface. Even those who show everything they are at face value itself, shrink from the actual thing after scars and bruises (which coincidentally was borne mostly in adolescent and young adulthood) to put masks on. Double standards, cover ups, fakeness. And despite what I lashed out at people in church to be the most, even compared to “unrighteous people” outside of church, I realize, ever more so clearly as time passes, that I suffer from the same syndrom. If anything, my problems would be grave, very grave.

I realized I only participated in things and do things and act out, not to what I am or what I truly want, but to the whims and fancy of what people feel and think and do that's right. Peer and Authorial pressure drives so much of the things I, or most people do. And the funniest question here is who started the damn process as the process is self harming and bonding over time. There might be, as I fear now, a situation where I lose my identity, who I am.

This, of course doesn't just limit to bad things like drinking and cussing like I was some grumpy old sailor. Even good things like daily devotion and serving can be pressure driven. But this raises a very mind blowing question: if you do good things just cause you're pressured to conform, wouldnt that be a bad thing once all the leashes are released off you? That made me wonder and reflect.

Was I ever a good person cause I was 'required' to be? Did I learn this subjects just because everyone takes it? Do I do the daily devout motions just cause I feel the need to, not cause of outpouring of awe and love for the Almighty God? Am I a christian just cause most of my friends do? Is is what I do with my life? What are the lifetime goals then?

Honestly speaking, if I had not noticed this from the recent spat of disastrous events, I would've wasted my whole life. This is what is the blessing in disguise.

The door for me to rejoin church back in the capacities I was in, probably except power positions in youth, is wide open. However, that is why I hesistate to reinstate myself despite the heart warming, eye-balling open invitation for me. I realize I need to make sure I know where i'm going and I do what I preach. I need to make sure I know of who I am and that I act out what I really am.

That, is surprisingly the biggest challenge of them all. Especially since, I know thus far, me for real, isn't a very pretty sight.

Taken from http://peanuts.com/

I am about to turn 20. A believe many take that I also agree to is that your teenaged years are the years where you set a path for where you head to till the end of your life. Visions, value systems, aspirations, identity, etc. Given that i'm on my way out of teenhood, I need to make sure all this is set by the time the world start slamming brick loads of challenges and setbacks in my life – for which in the last 5 years or so, has been piling on in a steady increasing intensity.

And that, I guess is my biggest dilemma. I know of a lot of things. I am in touch, given the modern advancements of technology, with a lot of people. I am capable of doing many things – many of which are solved over the unfair challenges and handicaps I got – well. However, there is one problem:

I do not know of what on earth I should dedicate my life to.

I have many aspirations and plans. I have values. I have dreams, fantasies, hopes, fears, advantages and set backs. The problem is as always, the issue of whether one regrets once his life is over. Everthing done should have a valid reason – a reason that you will not regret. That is what I fear, will prevent me from even trying out in life – and regretting.

And I have absolutely no intentions of regretting my whole life.

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But why on earth do i keep remembering the past? sigh.

wheee

Give me a reason.
A reason to believe
A reason to hold on
A reason to care

Give me a cause
A cause worth it's while
A cause that doesn't dissapoint
A cause unthreaded by humankind

The past still haunts
Can i put it behind and start again?

A better day

I've seen of places,
Where people are locked in and blocked out;
Where people cry out for freedom,
But hope is just a dream.



I've experienced times,
Where people smile despite the hurt;
Where bitterness and discrimination rules their minds,
And justice is just a fable.



I've heard of times,
Where people fighting for the common good loses hope;
Disillusion sets in and despairs,
And they decide to join in the crowd.



I've witnessed of situations,
Where these people collide;
Senselessed to, now senseless towards,
Dreams crumble and insitutions forgotten.



And i often wonder,
When will the madness end;
When will people finally have enough,
Stop,

And build a better day.



-Timothy

This blog post is copyrighted to the owner and shall not be reproduced unless under prior permission by the owner. All images taken from random google searches from photo sharing sites like Flikr(tm), is meant as a fair usage-private use only and no copyright infridgement intended. The blog post has no similiarities to any previously produced work that is produced with intention and is of mere concidence. (c)2010 Tomato Productions(tm). All rights reserved.

I've found a place
caught in open arms
where loves embrace
mends a broken heart
here i will stay
all my days

I've found a place
caught in open arms
where loves embrace
mends a broken heart
here i will stay
all my days

Drawing Closer

(c)2008 to Hillsong United. Lyrics are Draw Me Closer (selah) from All of the Above.

updates coming up.

A prayer.

You dance over me, while i am unaware;
You sing all around, but i never hear the sound...



My heart is such in a turmoil...



So much is going on, Lord. I'm weak, and I need reassurance...



And i could STILL sing of Your love forever...



=D

WORLD NEWS IN PICTURES!!!!!

erm, my house is not small, it's SPACE EFFICIENT... =D


Can we go back to sleep now? it's so early...











"want some bubbles?"







the above images are cool stuff i spotted from mangle.ca . it's a cool random picture generator. Check it out!

havent i done enough?

Torture.

how do you feel when you are doing the very things that your whole being cries "NOOOOO!" at?

haiz.

maybe it's just so much easier to screw it and numb it.