of delays and looking bad. this is not a very good start.

I realize i haven't posted in a while. so yeah. time to boil over.

NYRC. (credits to the various NYRC photographers for the naize pictures)
-edit: for those who are wondering, NYRC stands for Nothern Youth Revival Camp.-


hard at work. =p



Yeah. That many came. only from the north, and all committed for one purpose - prayer for revival. prayer for change. prayer for more who care. opened my eyes quite a bit. also due to other reasons *ah-hem* =p , but mainly due to the fact i never saw so many people in one place that actually care of the things that happen around them. The cry was strong, and it is genuine. Was personally very strengthened.

It wasnt that bad things didnt happen, it's juz that i saw and heard so much encouraging things that even though it's almost two months ago, i still remember almost every session in it's fleshly detail. i remember all the important parts - parts where i desired to get out of the place, parts where i was at the point of balling my eyes out, parts where i felt pain and convictions for my thoughts and actions, parts where i felt the peace and comfort i now so rarely experience.

I also got a very clear message, of which i'm still struggling with. only a word came in, very personal words if you ask me or know me well enough - "faith." The whole thing. 5 days. searching and digging. just. faith. and the questions, perhaps start from where the answer itself.

Just a few days back i laid my finger on something related. Sure, i still believe in what is done and the creed to be and what not. It's just that after being so long in it and doing so much, it has proven futile. I've lost faith in the system. I believe the fundamentals. but not, the system.

I've seen enough of commercialization and dilution of the word. I've seen too much self-righteousness and politics. I've been through too much rejections, persecutions, and ridiculous incidents. The very place i trusted, is stuck up. And i am fed up.

The thing is, the system is also all that i've known. So now, it leaves me one thing - lost. confused. helpless. The very thing that i've relied on. My substance of life and purpose, has let me down. the belief is still there, deep down. but it's shell is shattered and it itself in a condition nearly beyond recognition.

The thing is, I've had enough of trying to escape. so many moons has past beyond that expiry date. It's no longer the fear and the hurt that is doing it. I'm addicted. I'm self-destructive. It no longer feels alright. It never has been ever since. I need to get the **** up and do something.

But what? That, i do not know. Faith?

regain faith in the very institutions that has let me down? have faith in the system again, the people that has time and again lose me and rendered me useless? have faith in the idiocy of doing the same things again and again, expecting a different result? or just... what?

with one answer comes other questions. and i am fed up of questions itself. It's not that i don't want it simple. I can't be. I've seen and known too much for my own good. And even when i want it to be simple, i am pushed to think more due to what happens around me.

And yet, i'm still the puppet. Puppet of power, politics. Puppet of the system. Victim. And no relent, thank you.

And it's not that i don't want to believe. I do. I just need a regain the reason. haih.

God, why am i kept alive again? This is torture beyond belief.

-to be continued-