so i found this (http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150099863798313&comments&ref=mf) video about some youths preaching video in between my exams. got my attention, but inspired me to rant a lil. Thou art warned.
anyways, back to what i wanted to talk about in my multipart post.
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When i got the order to volunteerily give up my power positions in church and leave the community for the time being. It was unfair, but i got extra time to discover my own.
I've been having nightmares, lonely nights, mad, depressing moments. I refused help, cause i knew something was there for me to discover myself. I got through the pain. And it still hurts, and it still grinds inside, killing me slowly. But i found something. Something all should have discovered a long time ago.
I found a lot of people to be fake. Masks, hypocritical. I found them to surround me in such a way i staggers me. When i neeeded realism, and help. I found many wannabe fake preachers of the Word. I found only condemnation to hide guilt and persecution and red tape to prevent grace they did not find, forgetting all it needs is a couple united people to start a genuine revival. And leaders fuel the damage.
I am dissapointed. Hurt. And angered. Cause all this while i was a victim, a slave to the fancies of people. I found realism more among non-believers than anything. I lost touch on why a church exists. Cause as far as i am concerned, i know not of any true church that exists at the moment.
And all that after slaving for nothing, no one. When you tell the truth, people shut down and shut you out. Cause all are content to stay in a quiet, self righteous world.
So much so i decided to leave church till i find a good reason to rejoin one. I will not serve till i find a good reason to serve, too.
The more i read the Bible, the more i am angered when i see an example of a true Christmunity. I do not see of any around. And there's only so much i can do. I tried to move strings to pull out the existance of such a place. I only got scars. I got kicked out of the common and the sense.
The more i see all that happens, the more i am convinced that as much as my Almighty is real, the more our people do not allow Him to work in our current world.
It's a disillusional thing. Like that video. It's there, only to annoy people and provoke guilty emotions. We have became physcological experts. Spiritual shamans. And Christ is no part of the picture. We do not reflect Christ one single bit.
And i'm talking with me in person included. And that, is a worrying prospect.
Perhaps it is time we stop pointing fingers at people and look at the four that's still pointed at ourselves, and get on our knees to save ourselves, to be real. A passion and givest it's birth. Consumes. That is my change.
-end of part two-
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I did not mean to attack any believers or non-believers. It's a call to do a self examination among all. Cause i definitely need one and am doing that. People though, never understand and just like to be...
Which is why i write my crappy, emo poems. They all have a message.
Friday, 19 November 2010
Friday, 12 November 2010
Perhaps? part one
This post will be out of the ordinary.
Of late, people has noticed I changed. Lacking outward zeal towards certain issues and terms once close to my heart. Doing things once thought impossible. Different in the way i carry myself. Having differing views and perhaps vocabulary.
After what I've gone through this year. I'm not surprised. This year so far (and we are nearing the end) has been like in last two years, a roller coaster ride. But even more so.
Sometimes it's tough to stay with a positive outlook to life. But i shall digress. It's how you treat it.
Sure, i've been sexually abused (what's the big deal with confessing that? I'm still normal, just hurt.) I've been betrayed by teachers, friends, pastors, mentors and elders. I've almost died a couple times even. With and without my own choice.
It's been stupid. And it's so easy to get bitter. But i shall not. What has happened, has happened. I have and shall cry, pick up the pieces, learn and move on. Lingering and sulking about that wont bring justice and it wont bring you a better day. That's for useless sissies to do. And some outwardly sissy guys are better off then any one of this macho suckers.
Oops I'm running out of context here. BACK.
Of all the things that have changed, i'm still more or less the same person everyone knew. I still like to help people out, I still find pain watching people suffer, I still find compassion in people who didn't get it so easy in life, in any way. I feel for them, if anything, the passion has grown stronger. I'm just not as outward or, perhaps, stupid.
BUT.
I've had time to reflect. I've paused, watched, deliberated, and listened. Even despite the craziness, i did that. And i had a conclusion to many things that started appearing with question marks over the year or two.
Unfortunately, it's with regret I say that these conclusions will disappoint many, and it's not gonna matter whether you disagree or not. It's not an opinion affected matter, it's a decision i have decided, and probably wont be turning back for at least sometime.
In short, welcome to the new Timothy Ignatius Lewis.
-end of part one-
-------
yes, this would be a multi-part post. i realize it's gonna take forever to do all, AND, i got a lot to say. Finals coming next week. Study first.
Of late, people has noticed I changed. Lacking outward zeal towards certain issues and terms once close to my heart. Doing things once thought impossible. Different in the way i carry myself. Having differing views and perhaps vocabulary.
After what I've gone through this year. I'm not surprised. This year so far (and we are nearing the end) has been like in last two years, a roller coaster ride. But even more so.
Sometimes it's tough to stay with a positive outlook to life. But i shall digress. It's how you treat it.
Sure, i've been sexually abused (what's the big deal with confessing that? I'm still normal, just hurt.) I've been betrayed by teachers, friends, pastors, mentors and elders. I've almost died a couple times even. With and without my own choice.
It's been stupid. And it's so easy to get bitter. But i shall not. What has happened, has happened. I have and shall cry, pick up the pieces, learn and move on. Lingering and sulking about that wont bring justice and it wont bring you a better day. That's for useless sissies to do. And some outwardly sissy guys are better off then any one of this macho suckers.
Oops I'm running out of context here. BACK.
Of all the things that have changed, i'm still more or less the same person everyone knew. I still like to help people out, I still find pain watching people suffer, I still find compassion in people who didn't get it so easy in life, in any way. I feel for them, if anything, the passion has grown stronger. I'm just not as outward or, perhaps, stupid.
BUT.
I've had time to reflect. I've paused, watched, deliberated, and listened. Even despite the craziness, i did that. And i had a conclusion to many things that started appearing with question marks over the year or two.
Unfortunately, it's with regret I say that these conclusions will disappoint many, and it's not gonna matter whether you disagree or not. It's not an opinion affected matter, it's a decision i have decided, and probably wont be turning back for at least sometime.
In short, welcome to the new Timothy Ignatius Lewis.
-end of part one-
-------
yes, this would be a multi-part post. i realize it's gonna take forever to do all, AND, i got a lot to say. Finals coming next week. Study first.
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