Reading

I read and I read and I read,

I think and I think and I think,

I brainstorm and I plan;

Maybe, just maybe,

I need to get up and do something about it.

-------

-------

I feel so useless. I am being no where near productive enough, nor am I meeting ANY of my goals. le sigh.

Sucess?

gosh the haze is terrible. (my own picture!)

-------

"You're very successful now huh?" really?

Work's been busy and stressful. I'm sick too, (a light fever, migraine and flu that never goes away), so I've been grabbing sleep whenever I can but it's just been a constant roller coaster ride of "I'm doing quite good" and "Kill me now this sucks!". But a thing's been bugging me more than anything else. The issue of success.

What is success?

Owning a couple awesome cars? Having a nice condo(s)? Having a million bucks in the bank? Having an awesome family? All of the above? Happiness?

That's kinda arbitrary, isn't it?

Woo hoo? (image from bang2write.com)

What's success to me?

Other than the occasional daydream of 'what if' fantasies of living live in the fast lane, owning all the 'generic' forms of success (cash, card, club, etc... you get the drift), I sorta realize, that's not really my kind of lifestyle. I'm more easy going than that. But herein lies a second problem.

...

I don't have a concept of what I can consider success.

"No Sarah, it's not found with a Google search!" (image from bluemagnetinteractive.com)

...



So let's go back to the beginning.

There are many facets in what can be considered success... Being rich, being famous, being the best in what you do, leaving behind something that you'll remember. Being accepted in your community, Achieving... something. It's convoluted, and there are just no friggin' rules.

asdfghjkl:! (from www.arghhh.se)

But the key is simple - success in what matters to you. One's concept of success is what makes one's DRIVE. The motivation is also what makes your goal of success reachable, or not.

I am able to do a lot of things. I want to excel in many things. But I haven't found anything that I have an extreme DRIVE for. I want to try everything, but I don't have the time, resources or commitment to. My ultimate is not there. At least, no longer.

I used to measure my success by making people happy. But humans are the darnedest thing ever. We suck. We abuse each other. We take advantage. We kill. Then, there are things I'm good at. But it is now also mundane and boring. The stuff I push for excellence for the so-called success has been somewhat achieved, and come out wanting. So there's that too.

(from hellcat.org)

There are also the public perception of what people consider success. On that matter? You'll never satisfy them, and they don't live your life, so what's the point? Besides, people notwithstanding, life has just waaayyy too much drama for my tastes.

...

So is it fair that for me, success now is being able to make a day to day without any drama, for now? Cause I really don't know what I'm doing. And honestly, the adventure of day to day is awesome. I'm happy. I'm successful. And I mean it.

And yes, I have regrets, I have things I would have, could have, can currently do better. But I'm just gonna take things in stride. No apologies. I try, I really try and I do it like I have nothing to lose. It's just better. At least for now.

-------

So... What's success to you?

I feel like writing....

something. So there you have it. Goodbye.







-------

Just kidding. I have writer's block. Trying to get my creative juices flowing from not writing properly in so long. I'm also trying for this blog to not look or sound so depressing. I might live a relatively over dramatically depressing life; but hey, not everything in my life sucks. Thinking about it, I have a lot of things I can be thankful for. I guess I'll have a series on that soon.

NO! (sourced from www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk)

When I decided (and promptly forgot to follow through my decision) to revive writing and blogging in general, many of the people I know as pretty much mentioned that I should abandon blogger or blogging in general as it's a relic of yesteryear. So much for encouragement... =/

Truth is, I agree. Blogger seems to be an almost completely dead platform. I have considered heading over to Tumblr at one point, or use Wordpress (which has a small but steady following and never was a very lively platform from the get go anyway), but both require new accounts (whaaattttt) and one involves waaaayyyy too much fandom and asdfghjkl "slang"... AND the occasional "porn" blog. So... nope. I like how blogger works, they've been ever reliable, there is still sorta an audience (not that I care too much, I'm just here to vent) and I'm also too plain lazy to migrate my best blog posts (not that they were anything fantastic) to a new location, as I did when I moved from Windows Live Spaces over here.

I also hope that my posts will reflect my age at long last. Shorter posts in general, but better written; less rants, but more reflection. And platform really, really doesn't matter... I guess.

I guess there's that too. (source: www.graphics99.com)

-------

Gosh, I really am struggling to write.

In case you're wondering, I'm just improvising on the fly. This post has no particular direction. I guess imma end it here. Hope I can keep up with this blasted schedule.

Well, there is that new job I have. Sorta. And hey, done with college. Yay.

should really get to paying off those college fees.

-------

New header

New header. Yay.

More to come... A post every alternate Monday or Tuesday from now on.

Le do dis.

Revival?

It's been 1 year and 5 months since i posted something.

Just saying.

-------

Lots of things has happened. Along which the death of this blog.

But new things await. Many, I hope.

A little fun article I found online that sort of subscribes 
to the mentality of this blog's new name.
http://www.mentaleducation.com/telltale.html

 


Till next time.

Back up.

Back to posting...

(I know, i know, this blog needs a new look, and a new header. Oh yeah, I do not know whether I'll keep this name or choose a new name for this blog as well)

 Warning: This blog shall undergo massive changes. hehe. Thanks to http://www.track.unodc.org/ for the pic.

Writing from a sick bed is apparently what I do best (maybe cause i'll be emo. LOL), and today is where i find myself down with an old nemesis, Gastritis. (yay.)

I also realize I haven't written in a long time. I guess it's due to various factors, amongst which is the fact I was starting to go on an unending circle of dreary rant after dreary rant.

I feel like a sick old man. Thanks to http://www.claudiawolf.com/ for the pic!

This will be one of those emo posts, of course (have to keep my signature dish), but there is a kind of direction, albeit from the mess. Hang in tight for a one year's worth of emotions. It's about time.

(Oh yeah, the bloody chatbox on the right is badly hacked and useless, so i removed it. Some interesting things should surface once I actually update the look of the blog.)

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Nope, I am still not in a church or found a place I belong to at the moment. Soul searching seems to have taken a long time for me, and is still underway. Looks like I ain't outta this wilderness at the moment.

After a certain incident that happened in April last year and disaster struck in May, I've been on a non-stop spiral of I don't know what I'm doing hence I'm just floating around and doing jackshit. Work performance faltered. Studies took a back seat, even side projects got sidetracked and derailed. You could call me a mess.

Fun pic: my room actually looks like this right now. Also, i need a better camera.

Many of whom I consider my close friends (or maybe not) has lost touch since all this has started happening. I guess it's the grief. I guess is the want of an answer. I guess is the fact that I never realize that I'll probably never ever gonna get through the fact that what's done is done, and what's gone is gone for good.

I admit, I'm a lousy sport when it comes to showing that I care and that I hurt, too. I only know how to bottle it up inside and spill it all on this lousy, ill maintained blog. And that, in cryptic circles and bloody rhymes that make people think I'm some BS all-righteous bitch with some dark secrets. I know, I don't know how to share my feelings. Haih.

I also am lousy with consistency, and I completely do not know what to do with my life. I do not have a direction or a want in life. And it frustrates the hell outta me. I want and I need a reason to do what I do and love what I do and a reason to exist.

lol. http://the4faces.com/

Sure, there are glimses, but time and time again I lose sight of it, or it lets me down. I'm so overwhelmingly... lost. Even what I do best doesn't even seem to interest me the way I loved to tweak and mess around anymore.

You might even call me depressed. There is though, buts.

I am optimistic that this all is a process that I have to go through. There are demons to get rid off, scores to settle, disciplines to set and direction to find, but I know I will get out of it eventually. I just don't want to get out of it way too late to be of any relevance or weight anymore.

-------

Even though you could call it expected, I was completely shocked by the leaving of my hero in life - my dad. He's not a perfect man, he's no angel, he's done a lot of stuff anyone would regret, he's said stuff he never meant, but by God he tries his best.

He might have realized a thing or two a tad late in his life, but he never let age or strength or sleep stop him when he did. He helps, he fixes. And he never expected a thing in return.

Frankly, I'll never be able to come close to him in terms of integrity and character, a sensitive person who cares deeply about everyone he's seen or met. A person who isn't afraid to voice out his opinion and not budge, but at the same time, never hesistant to admit he is wrong.

And a hair over 57 years is too short for anyone of his caliber to be around. If anything, the world treated him unfairly. He had so many years of good service and talent to fearlessly contribute. But he was shut up, ignored and silenced by many. Yet he never gave up.

I wish I didn't say many things or did what I did. I wish I could've been there to get more out of a man who works himself out not caring about his own health or welfare, for the sake of his family and people and causes he holds dear. I wish sometimes, I could have just stopped him every now and then and let him rest for a while, if only so he can regain his strength and health. IT WAS PAINFUL seeing him stubbornly work to the bone.

And oh how he was not appreciated only until he left, by so many people whom he held dear. If anything, I completely resent more than half the people who suddenly turned up to wish who he left behind condolences. I admit, I was part of the fault, but where were all this hypocrites when he needed affirmation, love and care when he was so exhausted giving?

But let's not dwell on that. His legacy remains, and will never be matched or surpassed by those who will come after him or has before. A man greater and many, and a time allotted too short. Never appreciated, but nevertheless gave and never received.

He will be missed, particularly by those who hold him dear, but fail in letting him know enough.

Most likely the last ever picture of him taken while still alive, on his birthday barely a month before his death. He's not a guy who's photographed often. Sorta sums up who he was in his later years.

-------

This blog post, though, I fear, too hastily written with too many insuffiently profound words, is dedicated to my dad, Winston Charles Lewis (15 April 1955 - 11 May 2012). A year has passed and it feels like he left us way too soon just a moment ago. He is missed.

News!

I have moved my personal blog here. tomatoproductions.blogspot will now be a blog that is dedicated to my youtube channel of which I will cover below.

This blog, during the course of this month, will be revived, and revamped. I realize I need to let my personal life rant out like how i used to, and this blog will find it's use again.

You should see (some) new and exciting things by the end of the week. I am not a very scheduled person, though, so yeah.

This is also due to the fact that i realized that people is just not a very reliable thing to trust, especially when you need them the most. The world today is a dog eat dog world, and frankly, i have not been able to meet someone who has reached the point of caring you without any notable benefit to oneself. Except for some family perhaps. But friends, nah.

Anyway.

I've really gotten into the art of producing works of art, especially in video form, and fell head over heels in love with it. I wanna do short films, videos that make people think. Music Videos. Covers. ANYTHING.

The idea of Tomato Productions from the start has always been about me and the people i have contact with in the course of my limited lifespan. So essentially, it's about people and what we do.

My rants, my opinions, and my works all involve people as we are all social creatures. But i guess, the bigger picture and the struggle to reach and see it in all this is why I named it a production. Because, ultimately, we all, including me, will have a curtain call. And we leave something behind for people around us, during and after the fact of us existing.

Of course, the name Tomato is only my nickname. So it means my production. my life. my, all. And this youtube channel is and extention of the fact. I wanna reach a wider audience with what I and my friends have to say. Ideas, Cries, Rants. All in an artistic form. Nothing to do with the money, although a little bit of commercial success would be a huge encouragement that what we do reaches somebody.

Of course, the more personal stuff, and non-artistic ones are reason why we have personal privacy settings on social networks and stuff. Which is why I am still deciding on the public-ness in terms of settings in this blog and it's name. And why i would have 2 blogs.

Tomato Productions will be focussing on my more public life, with works of art on the channel, news, sharing of stuff that interests me, work, college at the moment, and maybe, just maybe, my failed attempt at reviewing products. It's what i want people to see.

This blog is for the things I need to share out, regardless of whether I am 100% on sharing to everyone. For a more personal side of me. So the more darker, personal me, here. The public, more work-centric me, the original URL for this blog.

And it's me expressed in full.

Oh, do watch this video below as this is the first official TomatoProductions production. It's been a long time coming. Near to 1.5k views already. =)

So yeah. Until the next update.

New look, new me?

Maybe not. For example, the lack of updates to this blog shows

but anyhow, if you guys havent noticed on FB recently, here goes...

(smexy, no? =p)

The mohawk won't stay there all the time (lazy + time), but you get the idea what kinda hair i have now.

The considerations were plentiful. One, i was getting bored of my old hair, and the other, i have a bit of a rash issue near the edges of my hair. Since my dear housemates + friends was thinking of giving me a make over, i went ahead and, viola.

I am now more than halfway through my diploma, and i would be turning 21 next month. Stress is mounting on all fronts, but the same problem still persists almost since i got entered college. and it is getting old...

But you know what? this made a lot of sense to me all of a sudden (caution: explicit words):-

(credits to 9gag. yeah. That addictive site.)

It's not that i get annoyed with the church and all that. I realized all this while, and i hate to admit it, I'm disillusioned. With the church. With my life. Even worse, with my faith.

I guess you can call me a temporary agnostic for now. A far cry from what i was two year ago, i know. I have been through a lot. And that, is that.

(for those wondering, agnostic simply means those who believe in the existence of God but not in any institution/religion/belief)

Whether I'll regain my footing as what i was, or become "normal" again, i do not know. But for now, i go with the flow. And discover.

And much has been discovered. If anything, I'm interested with people who do not put masks on. Honest, blunt people.

But now since i finally realized what has been causing me to hesitate going to church, i might just drop by that certain place to check it out. The experiences last time was real, after all.

It's me again.

Life's been busy as per the usual, with tons of drama since my last proper post. YLDP, new years, college, work, work, work, work.

It's weird, the feeling when the things that you feel close to your heart is being messed up and you no longer have any control, simply cause you did not respond fast enough.

i guess leave it all to HIM? hmm.

i guess i need to do something about this too, though. hmm.

a saying that's been engraved in my mind for a very long time (a not easy to follow one, at that) is something along the lines of: "we can pray for God for wind to push the sails, but we must row the boat as well!" (it's by Enid Blyton. my puny mind does not remember word for word) Food for thought.

-------

ps: i'll try to update my blog weekly from henceforth. i am, a procrastinating lil bastard, though.

the irritating thoughts never do leave me at night, do they?

busy, busy, busy, busy.

haih.

Swallowing the pride

Sorry I've not blogged in a while. But believe me when i say if you were to read what i would say in the past few months that i have not blogged, all of you would have gotten fed up of the same old, same old i always post.

and i believe the wait is worth it.

I've had enough of wallowing and being stuck in the same spot. I've had enough of giving in. I'm letting it go and i'm coming back. I'm not gonna give a single damn to whatever whosoever decided to say.

Troubles? what troubles. i. do. not. care.

whoever is saying shit about me, screw you. i trusted you with information that you blew it up and shared with people whom are equal hypocritical bollocks. everyone thinks they know the truth about me, but they do not.

No one has experienced what i have experienced in the past 4 years. no one has to go through the same either. i stand by my principals. no one can change that - even by killing me.

i trust no one, and no one trusts me anymore, anyway. so what the hell, i'm moving on.

if no one wants to have what i stand for and what i have to give, it is fine. if no one, even amongst my closest friends, appreciate me for who i am, i do not care. even if it is my family. i will just move on and leave the things, for better and greater stuff.

i operate life, my way from henceforth. my rules. no more compromises. and no one stands in my way. ever.

the change i've been talking about, starts here and now. and all will know.

i've swallowed enough pride to say i'm bitter. and this pride now allows me to say i've been through it all, and i will come out victorious, in my own right. it will not affect me - i only get better. =)

the new dawn of my life will come. no matter what. and now.

Bye.

When will i find the courage,
To speak up?

When will i find the faith,
To denounce the evils?

When will i find the guts,
To stand on what's right?

When will i find the strength,
To get up,
               pack up,
                            say my goodbyes,
                                                       and leave?

I wish i can be once at a place;
A place i called home.

But the place is so alien now;
The place so... polluted.

My heart breaks.

=(

Addicted

A new day and a new life,
A new opportunity and a new time;
A new redemption and mercy,
A new forgiveness is given to all.

It's a new start from the old,
It's a new chance from the mistakes done;
It's a gift given from on high,
But what is the point if one does not repent?

No change,
The same mistakes again and again;
A guess,
That thereafter the addiction starts.

-sigh-

When

What will you do:
When nothing seems right anymore,
Where no where is home anymore,
Where all enthusiasm is lost;

What will you do:
When no place belongs to you,
Where all integrity is lost,
Where all hope seems gone.

What will you do:
When you no longer am able to go the distance,
When despair is everywhere,
When all you can do is pray.

Then the question sometimes is,
Why are you only turning now;
When everything is already futile.

Why are you only giving in,
And doing only so much, so late?

of delays and looking bad. this is not a very good start.

I realize i haven't posted in a while. so yeah. time to boil over.

NYRC. (credits to the various NYRC photographers for the naize pictures)
-edit: for those who are wondering, NYRC stands for Nothern Youth Revival Camp.-


hard at work. =p



Yeah. That many came. only from the north, and all committed for one purpose - prayer for revival. prayer for change. prayer for more who care. opened my eyes quite a bit. also due to other reasons *ah-hem* =p , but mainly due to the fact i never saw so many people in one place that actually care of the things that happen around them. The cry was strong, and it is genuine. Was personally very strengthened.

It wasnt that bad things didnt happen, it's juz that i saw and heard so much encouraging things that even though it's almost two months ago, i still remember almost every session in it's fleshly detail. i remember all the important parts - parts where i desired to get out of the place, parts where i was at the point of balling my eyes out, parts where i felt pain and convictions for my thoughts and actions, parts where i felt the peace and comfort i now so rarely experience.

I also got a very clear message, of which i'm still struggling with. only a word came in, very personal words if you ask me or know me well enough - "faith." The whole thing. 5 days. searching and digging. just. faith. and the questions, perhaps start from where the answer itself.

Just a few days back i laid my finger on something related. Sure, i still believe in what is done and the creed to be and what not. It's just that after being so long in it and doing so much, it has proven futile. I've lost faith in the system. I believe the fundamentals. but not, the system.

I've seen enough of commercialization and dilution of the word. I've seen too much self-righteousness and politics. I've been through too much rejections, persecutions, and ridiculous incidents. The very place i trusted, is stuck up. And i am fed up.

The thing is, the system is also all that i've known. So now, it leaves me one thing - lost. confused. helpless. The very thing that i've relied on. My substance of life and purpose, has let me down. the belief is still there, deep down. but it's shell is shattered and it itself in a condition nearly beyond recognition.

The thing is, I've had enough of trying to escape. so many moons has past beyond that expiry date. It's no longer the fear and the hurt that is doing it. I'm addicted. I'm self-destructive. It no longer feels alright. It never has been ever since. I need to get the **** up and do something.

But what? That, i do not know. Faith?

regain faith in the very institutions that has let me down? have faith in the system again, the people that has time and again lose me and rendered me useless? have faith in the idiocy of doing the same things again and again, expecting a different result? or just... what?

with one answer comes other questions. and i am fed up of questions itself. It's not that i don't want it simple. I can't be. I've seen and known too much for my own good. And even when i want it to be simple, i am pushed to think more due to what happens around me.

And yet, i'm still the puppet. Puppet of power, politics. Puppet of the system. Victim. And no relent, thank you.

And it's not that i don't want to believe. I do. I just need a regain the reason. haih.

God, why am i kept alive again? This is torture beyond belief.

-to be continued-

Fragmented thoughts

Sorry i cant update so soon, but this is just a very fragmented cover of what's what in my life right now via my thought train in real time. Warning: no particular order and potentially confusing. Read it slowly.

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Friends migrating. Haih.

Sick. And dad's sick. Now who's gonna be worried sick? isssssh.

Assignment assignment assignment.

Overspent. Needz. Moar Money.

Bersih.

ooo i want that data plan.

-brain farts-

What did the lecturer say again?

Transformers was awesome. Shitty story but...

Owh crap Harry Potter this wednesday midnight.

...

Work.

Oh damn yesterday's church beer fest was utterly disgusting. Almost felt like having a mass murder or something.

Stomach. pain. pain. pain. pain. pain. $%$%W#$%@##~~~

I wish i can get away with...

No.

Oooo tat girl looks a lot like her.

Owh yea she hasnt updated her FB.

-brain farts again-

Why am i feeling so depressed again?

Foooooood.

That cooper looks awesome.

...

why is... -brain fart-

Facebook. Sims soundtrack.

i met her. oh. my gosh. (ps: that was almost a month ago)

phone battery... wait i just charged it.

class tomorrow. malaysian studies. fml.

court case.

company logo. website. event. gaaaaaah dad sick.

I need a break.

I'm thirsty.

Damn i forgot to check my car pressure and fluid levels again.

stomach pain stomach pain stomach pain pelvis... wait a second.

ow. -brain farts-

cant sleep.

need to read bible.

Ramadan is around the corner.

College AC is cold.

Why arent...

gosh. NYRC. MYF Sunday.

huh?

that preacher was loud. and self promoting.

Wait why does pastors need to MLM again?

mammoth. tank. must. die.

What's happening?

Aaaah. her.

-brain farts-

GAAAAAAAAAH. pain.

-------

so yeah. as you cant see. Some one needs their brain empty for once and stomach pain to be gone. I needz a vacation.

A little random post.

Reminders. So important.

"have faith"




yes, Lord. =)

Will tell in detail on what's up. maybe an emo poem again. =S

Thinking too much

Maybe i should. Maybe i shouldn't.

-sigh-

someone please end this misery.

(c) Image 2011. All rights reserved to owner.

The system

I've faced, i've tried, i've heard, i've seen.

I've discussed, i've deliberated, i've negotiated, i've pleaded.

I've gone, I've hurt, I've lashed, and i've given up.

I've gone through the system, I've fought, I'm tried, and perhaps it is enough for me.



-or maybe only just for now.-