The 18 Delimma

I'm stuck now... Not knowing which to choose. A crossroad of a decision which might potentially change my life, problem is, i need to decide by the time when i'm officially eighteen, in less than 3 and a half hours.

Why and what is that, you might be wondering. So let me bring you an exclusive, juicy view of myself.

At the age of 18, you're legally entitled to do many things you weren't allowed to, because you are no longer considered a minor. Although the protection of the juvenile court is withdrawn, according to Malaysian law, you are now, technically, much more free to things and be self-responsible.

So, at 18, i can now choose my own religion (and convert without parent's consent), get married (don't make me feel desperate plz... :-p), have sex, go into some previously unallowed stores (like most cybercafes, legally, or clubs - tho some of them restrict access to above 21s only), or to... drink booze.

Sure, i'll abstain from any sexual relationship till marrige (seriously), i'll not go clubbing in my entire life (unless i enter it to work, but not to enjoy, which i have already been doing), i'll most probably not go into sex stores (unless for my wife... :-p) but i have no idea on alcohol. At all.

Why or why not? Let me see...

Taking, hmm... Firstly, what's wrong with that? I know some would say Methodist doctrine lar, dedication lar, yaada yaada yaada. Sure, i know about that. Keeping yourself pure, not falling captive to a 'tree', and the rheotic goes on and on. But i didn't say i wanna take it like a drug, i didn't say i wanna go casual drinking all over the place at every chance i got. It's just that whether i allow myself to take it or abstain from it when situations rise, say, family celebrations (half of my family's non-christian, while d other half is 'alcohol is fine' roman catholics). You'll appreciate if you can 'blend in' and not face the 'interrogation' of not joining in since you're now a full-fledged adult. Plus, what if i go out with friends, particularly non-christian friends? I'm still susceptible to peer-pressure, you know. In short, making a stand can be quite tough, and concious-wrecking.

Not taking? I have many reasons for doing so also. Firstly, it's a sign of dedication and purity. I can ensure that i have a guranteed clear mind and conciousness. I will also make a strong statement to my friends, that you can play hard and enjoy life, but still not 'get down and dirty'. In short, it is a good testimony, both to myself and to the people around me. In fact, i feel greatly inclined to make this decision.

However, i need to make some things straight first before i choose to abstain.

Making myself starkly different can throw people off, especially my family. If you seem so 'holy-moly' to them, they'll just react that you're just show-offs and not serious about your faith. It'll seem that you're so 'religious', and that isn't exactly good witness either, especially to my family. And i'm extremely concerned about them. I love my extended family and i want to make sure i have the maximum chance of exposing them to the truth. As it is my family are treated as outcasts as we are protestants. So one more thing to repel us isn't gonna help.

Also, i do not want my desicion to be influenced by people and emotions, especially. Abstaining from alcohol can be just a emotionally bitter reaction to what alcohol has done to my family. Broken marriges, broken homes, broken hearts (including mine) is what i have the problem with. I must make sure i make a vow based on me and God, but not me and people. That much i am certain.

I need time to pray about this. Advice are warmly welcome. As it is, i've got an extension because i need to work non-stop till monday, despite it being a big b'day. I never wanted this one to be a big one in terms of celebration. I wanted this to be a solemnly big one as i make important decisions like this - like go to church and pray real hard and dedicate myself to God. But as it is, i can't do just that. Bummer.

Eighteen.

So here i am. i'm gonna be 18 in 4 days. My mind's pretty fuzzy. This is so unreal.

Anyways, straight to business.

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18. Eighteen. It basically means that my teenage years are left but a fraction to enjoy. So, i should start being oh-so-nostalgic and go all-melt-y on the sweet-sweet memories i had throughout my childhood and teenage years. Saying it was oh-so-memorable and i-would-never-change-anything for that great, bittersweet times i had. OH... The reminiscence of those years.

no. I can't. And i won't.

Reminiscing it isn't a pleasant experience. a summary? i can put it in sweet words. No, I CAN'T.

It was a roller coaster ride. And a horrifying one at that.

My early childhood was a confusion. Cue economic crisis and family marital troubles to get the picture in your brain. Besides, ADHD means you're disconnected from the world. And that everyone, EVERYONE, finds you annoying.

My late childhood was traumatic. New christian, church troubles, demons and drunk father was a part of the picture. What more can i say?

Early teenage years was one of corruption. I disregarded God, took my life into my own hands, and damaged it. Studies went to hell. Searched for affection and affirmation in the wrong places. What do you expect? I don't even know where. I didn't know who to turn to. And God was trying to speak to me all that time. Ignored it. Result? hurts, bitterness and loneliness - all-in-all a dangerous cocktail of destruction. Not enough? Cue in extra troubles moving in from my late childhood. There. Perfectly sick.

Now, my late teens has passed before my very eyes. A time of darkness, betrayed trust and a never-ending circle of corruption erupted. Evil at it's very worst. In short, my 18 years have been one that i have suffered beyond what somebody my age should have.

I do not desire sympathy. I do not desire all of that 'oh that means you'll be used greatly by God' crap. This is my history and i would gladly change it for something else. But i can't. I'm helpless. I'm decidedly less human inside and less complete inside because of all that has happened in these years. 18 years. How i wished it was short. or shot.

But this is me. This is what happened. Sure, great stuff did happen. Some much better than what one can experience. Like MYF, JS and CF. But those are few and rare in between. This is what is a reward of suffering so much in those times.

But that was not all.

Before depressed you go shoot yourself in the groin or something like that after reading so much about sad sad stuff, i got something to say about all this.

God was there.

And even if i would happily change it for something else, it is still worth it. And this is simply because He made sure i didn't die. He didn't give up on me even when i did gave up on Him. And here i am, redeemed.

So come this April the 26th, i can only be thankful for the 18 years i am here on this planet. Because it has been ONE HELL OF A RIDE. I can only anticipate what is ahead of me. My God is an AWESOME God.

Wicked

Drifting away in outer space
Doodling over the cybernet
Something comes on TV
Something sensationally wrecking

Hollywood with it's charms and bling
Hollywood without any substance
Just to come out a simple story line
They reawaken the trauma within me

Seven months has passed
The scars of betrayal healing
Wounds fading away
Suddenly torn open

Reliving the scene in my mind
Recounting the traumatic experience
Refeeling the disorientated emotions
All in an hour too late to contact him.

So what could i say?
What can i do?
Except reach out for help from above,
And classify the scene, wicked.

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Sorry for those who suddenly see me become very odd last nite. Hope this explains abit. I'm rather 'out' now...

Countdown...

It's 8 days before my 18th. Stormy feelings about it.

Also, seeing my close friend suffering from depression, lost and many other feelings make me feel very...

I think i've got an explanation for all this. Burnout.

I'm lonely.




Miss them.

It continues...

Am i too nostalgic?
Am i too emotionally driven?
Am i too emotionally indifferent?
Am i offensive?
Am i too DFA?
Am i too much?
Am i?

I find myself pushing against the wall,
I find it impossible to proceed,
I find the circumstances so hard, so different;
I find it hard to relate,
I fund it hard to connect;
But why does it have to be 'I'?

It's a need to keep it in perspective
It's a necessity to know Who's BOSS
It's known to be that i'm still in need
But that leads me back to ask:

What is the problem with 'I'?
What is the point of 'me'?
What is the purpose in this?
What is my direction?
What is my future?
What is my connection?
What is my difference with others?
What is, Am I?

Banging around... the bush. Banging.

OK, i'm emo, in a very bad mood, and generally fell left out. Stress and emo-ness. That's me.

Let me explain.

I see people going on for studies. Coming to KL (the only thing that cheers me up), going to Singapore, going to HK even. Scored alot for SPM, so they're going for the maximum they can reach to, limited by results, time, money and the home-sickness. People having tons of free time. Having a purpose of life. Knowing about their future. Choosing their own path to take. Grounded. Getting distant in relationship. With me at least.

Me? Haiz.

I dunno what on earth am i doing. My finances are uncertain (tho miraculously provided by divine methods). I'm just stuck doing my job day-in, day-out. I'm so busy i don't have time to think much or do what i intended to do (PDP, practice, research on future studies, go visiting, etc... even morning devotion). It's not that i don't like this job or it's too unhappening for me. Don't get me wrong. It's happening alright, but not the way i wanted it to be.

Even worse, i don't feel like i belong. The things i'm used to just seem not right. I just feel that my home is not my home any longer. Yet i can't escape, i can't move on to things. I feel trapped in somewhere i don't wanna be at.

I'm lost. And lonely.

I hate being the pathethic person who would make a drama out of everything that appears to me. About getting attention over anything that happens. About drawing attention to myself. No, i detest it. It's just that everything is going rollercoster here. Even my emotions.

Everything seems dull now. It just seem too happening but yet unhappening. I'm disconnected. I don't even feel joined in my youth or with my youth mentor. I'm so self-concious whenever i'm in youth. I feel fake.

HELP.

Austin?

Blessed be Your name!

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name!!!

Amen.

Holy Week + 1st part of this week

So. How was it?

Uneventful. Boring. Sinful. Stressed out like s**t

That summarized my days till Good Friday. Evening.

The Good Friday service. WOW.

There were no sermons or anything like so held in my church. It was a nails thing. But let me give a blow by blow account. Sort of.

Ok, i'm dead tired. Again.

It was a pretty last minute decision to go to the service. Yes, i wanted to go, but i wasn't free as i was supposed to pack for the super hectic schedule of Sunday and Monday. But since me and mom was free and i'm an idiot when it comes to measure me energy level, we decided to go just 10 minutes before the service starts. And it takes exactly 10minutes, without a highly possible traffic jam, to drive there. And we weren't ready yet. Perfect.

So went we did. And we arrived 15 minutes late. Perfect.

Yes, God has a perfect timing. Coz the second i went into the hall, they were into the second nail (there were 6 nails). And boy did that nail and the next few hit me like a ton of bricks.

I realized that i have gotten pretty distant from God. The reason why i'm getting myself frustrated due to lack of performance, is due that i didn't tap into God's power and strength. And i've gone astray. And that i need to put back my trust on him.

So i did just that. And did it turn out to make the difference come Easter Sunday.

You see, i did not know at all whether i can tahan the day's hecticness. I led-sung a song (with two other song leaders) and danced to a song (simple one lar) for the MYF's special performance. That turned out extremely well. You can check out my youth's blog (link just added) for that.

Then i needed to go do a Chinese Orchestra Concert. It was pretty big in terms of the Orchestra. And that turned out well. So did a goverment event.

Well, what else can i say? All Glory to God!

Edit: Next: my 18th b'day post. Stay tuned. Man, i'm as busy as hell...

A take on the dirty, dirty, thing they call politics in Malaysia.

Seriously.

My views can be quite critical, so do ignore this if you don't wanna hear some politician bashing... probably. It's impromptu.

So, according to news sources both from our national (online version) papers and others, i see that our dearly 'beloved' Najib is PM and BN has just lost 2 of the 3 by-elections.

So our entertainment value will probably go from a hot b-grade movie to a blockbuster hit. Even if it is still b-grade.

Sorry, i'm not in a good mood, so... heheheh

I detest politics in Malaysia as it is now. As such, people, act.

Firstly.

The political turmoil in Perak and Kedah is sickening at best, alarming at worst. Both sides play dirty. We the rakyat suffer. There is no point for this crap. BN, in my opinion, has cheated, no matter whether they played with money politics or not. And as such, they should not be, or ever be in power. However, the Sultan did have his reasons for ripping the power away from PR. Even for me, i still am suspicious about Anwar and the gang. Power sharing or slim majority is never and option for these sick bastards we call politicians. the only way we can do this, is by re-electing the entire Perak state. The roadblocks, the worried traders, the spiraling economy - it's bad all-in-all. The only thing is if some idiot goes to stir up those ignorant, uneducated, self-supreme malay bumps that can come out of no where (i seriously do not know why there is a group in their race who is like that), by making them think that the stake of their race is at stake, then we have another beautifully carved May 13 in our hands ticking off it's countdown timer.

Bummers. Which brings me on to the point of Malay sumpremacy and all that crap.

This is precisely the reason why we must continue to punish UMNO and it's BN partners on by making them lose like what we did in the two by-elections. I wake up everyday to see ciggarate butts thrown on my family's property, hateful stares, scratched cars and dirty comments played out to me by some of their self-righteous malays. They are a great race, no doubt, but i feel they are poisoned. Everywhere, even in school last time, i see Malay teens and kids staring at me as if they wanna bomb me of or something. Come on, it's not i wanna degrade you guys, as some of the other non-Ms can be quite racist, but what the hell happened to Bangsa Malaysia? With their anti-western and development culture that sickens my every being everytime i pass by the newsstands selling exclusively Malay dailies, BN must be blamed and punished for solely on not keeping tabs or even inciting this kind of racial hatred and tensions. Even if they kept tabs, this is clearly the sign that they've failed. The biggest one to punish? Hisshamuddin and UMNO youth. There is no two ways about it.

Plus, i think public perception is most important here. Until our dear BN corrects it's image of the goverment agencies, news and freedom of speech control, corruption, racial tension causer, etc, etc, etc. being the allegations true or not, we should continue voting the other way. Why? If your integrity is not right, why should you be in power? Besides, we do not even know which side of the story is true. That's why i take my news from various sources. IBecause, in my opinion, it's not news, both sides, it's propaganda. BN needs to correct it's image. If they can't, we should say goodbye. They need to prove themself. Their actions will determine their image.

Which brings me on to our dearly detested and newly elected PM.

It's no matter whether you are clean or not. If your image is tainted, you are tainted. This is politics. In my opinion, he should never be the PM just because he is alleged to be in all of the scandals. This is politics. You can't be effective if you are not loved by the people. Learn from Japan. If you want to stay in power, make sure you got your (clean) tactics ready to make people trust in you for the next 6 months. Or else, resign. There is no point. You can't be a good PM if the general public hates your very guts.

And here is my plea to politicians to both sides. Tolonglah jaga rakyat dulu. Power and who's right is no longer important. It's time we ditch all that noncense and make sure our country's in jeopardy. We don't want a second Thailand. You are making yourself into a circus. Make Malaysia something we can be proud of. As it is you are not even effective as a goverment. please, WAKE UP TO REALITY.

As for my fellow Malaysians, PRAY AND ACT. Don't let hope of a future in Malaysia fade. It's a sad fact if you have to migrate, because it is losing your identity in essence. Let's be proud of something we are willing to fight for. That is true patriotism. Even if it means going against the goverment (in the legal manner, of course). It's not about being anti-establishment, it's about standing for truth. We are granted by the Above a voice and a opinion for a reason. It's not being rebellious. It's about having a heart for yourself and your fellow people.

As it is, we are a laughing stock now. Let us change that. Malaysia, WAKE UP.

Amazed

You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me

I was unaware of how He loves me, woefully ignorant of how he prevails and gets intimately acquainted with my struggles and tears. How The Almighty understands and literally holds me together.

I was unknown to the fact that He loves me so much, so much more than anyone in the world can do the loving. He suffered so much for me, and he bears my many sins. I am unaware of how He is hurt every time something happens to me, when i sin.

I did not know and shut Him out of my life when He is talking to me. I ignored Him and left Him out of my picture, when, He was putting all the pieces of my messed-up puzzle back together. And oh, how do i regret it now!

But time is past, and things have happened. With His unfailing Grace, i can only sing of the praises of My GOD all the days of my life, from now on. And for that, i am, and will continue to be continuously amazed by My Lord God, Almighty.

Lord, I'm amazed by You... And how You love me!

I have God's strength with me

Singpetra Missions is one of Singapore/Malaysia's pioneering ministries in Chinese gospel music. They are a pepper-sized. no doubt, but like pepper, their impact is felt in the chinese-speaking community worldwide in the short period of 15 years. Strengths? Evangelistic concerts (paired up with the local chinese church) that touches the hearts of many who are ripe for the harvest. Songs with strong lyrics that speaks about the greatness of God. Tight international-quality recordings that i envy as a sound engineer. Many of the songs are used in chinese churches on a regular basis, so much so that people won't even expect that it has a local upbringings. Some of this songs have penetrated the dark world to places where despair runs high, like in prison (My Hiding Place, a famous song, is one of them - the actual title in chinese of course)

And some of the songs have spoken to me very personally... I relli praise God for the work they've allowed God to use themselves in... The following is one of lyrics of the songs that keep making me sing in joy, of course the below being a literal chinese to english transalation - another of their songs that is now mainstream church music.

'I have God's strength with me!
leading me in the forward march;
Over the oceans,
Over the mountains;
He will make my paths straight;
I have God's strength with me!
A light for my path;
Turns the rain,
Into a river;
Pushing all the hurdles away!

Jehovah makes a way for me,
Opens the floodgates for me;
Holding the sun,
Shining His glory,
Partnering pass each level!
He opens a way for me!
Opens the floodgates for me;
The light unto my feet,
The light along the path;
I'll march forward in faith!'

Amen.

Holy Week

has me struggling to stay holy.

Ironic, right?

Funny how sometimes i can bless people at the most unrighteous time of my life.

God, what are you trying to say to me???

busy busy busy busy

i can't update just yet, but i hope to do so in the course of this week.

i'm gonna rush off to do a event later till about 11pm (i'll sleep around 1am i guess) at least and that's just the beginning.

Tomorrow i'll spend half day in Klang @ a supplier's place and the other half delivering things. Next, i need to finish some advertisment thingy and also update the long stagnant company's website. A trip to Ipoh is due this Thursday, i need to squeeze in time to practice the dance and song for Easter, and once after Easter i'm rushing off to do another event.

Wowzers. I hope i don't overwork myself. As it is, i'm damn tired already. Haiz.

The week

Was boring. My regular patterns is now shit.

I need to get up. Idleness and apathy. Not good.

On the other hand, there is Jehovah Jireh. Will talk more about it when i get a chance to use the laptop.

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Here's something really encouraging. Now that's a use for Christmunity.