Eighteen.

So here i am. i'm gonna be 18 in 4 days. My mind's pretty fuzzy. This is so unreal.

Anyways, straight to business.

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18. Eighteen. It basically means that my teenage years are left but a fraction to enjoy. So, i should start being oh-so-nostalgic and go all-melt-y on the sweet-sweet memories i had throughout my childhood and teenage years. Saying it was oh-so-memorable and i-would-never-change-anything for that great, bittersweet times i had. OH... The reminiscence of those years.

no. I can't. And i won't.

Reminiscing it isn't a pleasant experience. a summary? i can put it in sweet words. No, I CAN'T.

It was a roller coaster ride. And a horrifying one at that.

My early childhood was a confusion. Cue economic crisis and family marital troubles to get the picture in your brain. Besides, ADHD means you're disconnected from the world. And that everyone, EVERYONE, finds you annoying.

My late childhood was traumatic. New christian, church troubles, demons and drunk father was a part of the picture. What more can i say?

Early teenage years was one of corruption. I disregarded God, took my life into my own hands, and damaged it. Studies went to hell. Searched for affection and affirmation in the wrong places. What do you expect? I don't even know where. I didn't know who to turn to. And God was trying to speak to me all that time. Ignored it. Result? hurts, bitterness and loneliness - all-in-all a dangerous cocktail of destruction. Not enough? Cue in extra troubles moving in from my late childhood. There. Perfectly sick.

Now, my late teens has passed before my very eyes. A time of darkness, betrayed trust and a never-ending circle of corruption erupted. Evil at it's very worst. In short, my 18 years have been one that i have suffered beyond what somebody my age should have.

I do not desire sympathy. I do not desire all of that 'oh that means you'll be used greatly by God' crap. This is my history and i would gladly change it for something else. But i can't. I'm helpless. I'm decidedly less human inside and less complete inside because of all that has happened in these years. 18 years. How i wished it was short. or shot.

But this is me. This is what happened. Sure, great stuff did happen. Some much better than what one can experience. Like MYF, JS and CF. But those are few and rare in between. This is what is a reward of suffering so much in those times.

But that was not all.

Before depressed you go shoot yourself in the groin or something like that after reading so much about sad sad stuff, i got something to say about all this.

God was there.

And even if i would happily change it for something else, it is still worth it. And this is simply because He made sure i didn't die. He didn't give up on me even when i did gave up on Him. And here i am, redeemed.

So come this April the 26th, i can only be thankful for the 18 years i am here on this planet. Because it has been ONE HELL OF A RIDE. I can only anticipate what is ahead of me. My God is an AWESOME God.