Passion ~ part 2

so i found this (http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150099863798313&comments&ref=mf) video about some youths preaching video in between my exams. got my attention, but inspired me to rant a lil. Thou art warned.

anyways, back to what i wanted to talk about in my multipart post.

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When i got the order to volunteerily give up my power positions in church and leave the community for the time being. It was unfair, but i got extra time to discover my own.

I've been having nightmares, lonely nights, mad, depressing moments. I refused help, cause i knew something was there for me to discover myself. I got through the pain. And it still hurts, and it still grinds inside, killing me slowly. But i found something. Something all should have discovered a long time ago.

I found a lot of people to be fake. Masks, hypocritical. I found them to surround me in such a way i staggers me. When i neeeded realism, and help. I found many wannabe fake preachers of the Word. I found only condemnation to hide guilt and persecution and red tape to prevent grace they did not find, forgetting all it needs is a couple united people to start a genuine revival. And leaders fuel the damage.

I am dissapointed. Hurt. And angered. Cause all this while i was a victim, a slave to the fancies of people. I found realism more among non-believers than anything. I lost touch on why a church exists. Cause as far as i am concerned, i know not of any true church that exists at the moment.

And all that after slaving for nothing, no one. When you tell the truth, people shut down and shut you out. Cause all are content to stay in a quiet, self righteous world.

So much so i decided to leave church till i find a good reason to rejoin one. I will not serve till i find a good reason to serve, too.

The more i read the Bible, the more i am angered when i see an example of a true Christmunity. I do not see of any around. And there's only so much i can do. I tried to move strings to pull out the existance of such a place. I only got scars. I got kicked out of the common and the sense.

The more i see all that happens, the more i am convinced that as much as my Almighty is real, the more our people do not allow Him to work in our current world.

It's a disillusional thing. Like that video. It's there, only to annoy people and provoke guilty emotions. We have became physcological experts. Spiritual shamans. And Christ is no part of the picture. We do not reflect Christ one single bit.

And i'm talking with me in person included. And that, is a worrying prospect.

Perhaps it is time we stop pointing fingers at people and look at the four that's still pointed at ourselves, and get on our knees to save ourselves, to be real. A passion and givest it's birth. Consumes. That is my change.

-end of part two-

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I did not mean to attack any believers or non-believers. It's a call to do a self examination among all. Cause i definitely need one and am doing that. People though, never understand and just like to be...

Which is why i write my crappy, emo poems. They all have a message.

Perhaps? part one

This post will be out of the ordinary.

Of late, people has noticed I changed. Lacking outward zeal towards certain issues and terms once close to my heart. Doing things once thought impossible. Different in the way i carry myself. Having differing views and perhaps vocabulary.

After what I've gone through this year. I'm not surprised. This year so far (and we are nearing the end) has been like in last two years, a roller coaster ride. But even more so.

Sometimes it's tough to stay with a positive outlook to life. But i shall digress. It's how you treat it.

Sure, i've been sexually abused (what's the big deal with confessing that? I'm still normal, just hurt.) I've been betrayed by teachers, friends, pastors, mentors and elders. I've almost died a couple times even. With and without my own choice.

It's been stupid. And it's so easy to get bitter. But i shall not. What has happened, has happened. I have and shall cry, pick up the pieces, learn and move on. Lingering and sulking about that wont bring justice and it wont bring you a better day. That's for useless sissies to do. And some outwardly sissy guys are better off then any one of this macho suckers.

Oops I'm running out of context here. BACK.

Of all the things that have changed, i'm still more or less the same person everyone knew. I still like to help people out, I still find pain watching people suffer, I still find compassion in people who didn't get it so easy in life, in any way. I feel for them, if anything, the passion has grown stronger. I'm just not as outward or, perhaps, stupid.

BUT.

I've had time to reflect. I've paused, watched, deliberated, and listened. Even despite the craziness, i did that. And i had a conclusion to many things that started appearing with question marks over the year or two.

Unfortunately, it's with regret I say that these conclusions will disappoint many, and it's not gonna matter whether you disagree or not. It's not an opinion affected matter, it's a decision i have decided, and probably wont be turning back for at least sometime.

In short, welcome to the new Timothy Ignatius Lewis.

-end of part one-

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yes, this would be a multi-part post. i realize it's gonna take forever to do all, AND, i got a lot to say. Finals coming next week. Study first.

blog under reno.

exciting post coming up (supposed due ytd, but yeah. decided to write it PROPERLY).

Picture Play

Time.



Confusion.


Pressure.



Depression.



Corruption.



Pain.


Tears.



Emo.



Look out the window.



Sunrise.



Realize.



Smile... =)

Going back one last time.

Will it be good?

-Farewells should be short, sweet, and you never, ever, come back.-

Torn.

I deleted my old photos.

But still.



My heart is torn.

Choices which is wrong either way.

I feel hurt either way.

Someone please,

Relieve me of my torment.



-Maybe i had enough of torment. But somehow my heart still is beating, bleeding......-

Realizations

I realized many a thing of late,

Things forgotten,
Things i should already known;
Of perhaps,
Somethings of my destiny.



Maybe it's so ambigous,

But it was supposed to be what i was doing all along?
Confusion is never a pleasant feeling;
But i was,
Making it all complicated?



Perhaps it's been there all the while,

And i refused to accept it.
Or is it,
Life playing a fool with me?
Or one taking chances to try to simplify things?

So maybe,
There's a sunny side up to life,



And all you gotta do,
Is call it one.

-yet the torment doesnt seem to go. why?-

Rights.

Sometimes i wonder...

When we fight for rights...
Whether we are fighting to right the wrongs,
Or just wrong what been wronged.



Read a news paper article on teenage pregnancy,

Says stop blaming the teen for being pregnant, but:
Who do we blame now?
Who does the stigma land on?



In relationships, guys get blamed.

When does the blame game end?
When do we start protecting ourselves from the greater evil?
When can we just stop it all and unite for the greater good?

Or maybe,

The situation is just gonna stay,

For the right of all to stay status quo.



-and i somehow dont care no more, cause my time is up.-

Chronicles of an Insomniac

Waking up night after night
Restless infections
Thinking of many things
Brain is in a whirl



Flip left and right
Unable to focus
Brain's in a mess
Cant remember a damn thing



Time out of sync
Fainting probable
World's crashing for no other reason



Haunted look
Unable to focus
Will somebody please
End this misery



-maybe cause i'm thinking of you.-

Alone

Black dots in a white paper,
Signifying a little change;
Drawing attention,
Perhaps unnecessarily.

Black spots in my memory,
Signifying unremembered traumas;
Drawing weakness,
Perhaps cause unable to take extent of damage.

Black moments in a white lie,
Signifying moments in times where mask is opened out;
The drawn person,
Perhaps best left unseen.



You can be surrounded by people and yet feel so lonely,
Encourage and change the world yet pull oneself into obivilion;
Made the difference and stand in the gap, yet;
Ownself a hypocrite, killing self, softly.

And yet black, signify, and perhaps;
it wont be nice to face the storm, alone.

sometimes life needs moments where u dun give to F***s abt anything. agree?

i'm bored.

I'm tired.

I need more sleep.

I feel lazy.

-I'm burnt out.-

Mhua shopping list!!!!

Me want.... (in order of aquisition urgency)

1. A new handphone. (prefers SE, 5++MP cam dat is very good, good media player, large storage capabilities, other den typical phone stuff. no touch screens. eyeing SE W995/C905.)

2. A new set of multimedia speakers for said handphone to playback my songs in me room... Decent bass, balanced sound, no harshness, excellent definition wanted. NOT willing to pay alot. max RM300.

3. A nice cover, silicon prefered for phone. Hopes it comes free with said phone.

4. A huge song collection to go in phone. in 128kbps mp3 format. (well this might not be bought... =p)

5. Awesome phone themes.

6. A screen protector for said phone.

7. Certain low intensity softwares for a com slotted for upgrade + format.

8. A couple new shorts, pants, undies, and maybe a shirt or two.

9. Purity bracelet. time to get serious about me pledge.

10. A pair of new shoes. Old one's starting to threathen of crumbling.

11. Mayb a set of handsfree +/ battery for old phones.

12. A cool string deco to go with said new phone.

As you can see, i need/want/demand/think of/wish/fantasize/require/obsess a new phone, badly. Sponsors?

Merdeka... really ah?

See pictures above.

Such beauty.
Such diversity.
Such wonder.
Such purity.

This was what our country's warrior's of all tribe and tongue prayed and fought for with their blood and sweat. They toiled. They produced results. They made what makes our nation something worth to be proud of.

But now?























What do we have to be proud of, anymore?

Merdeka, worth celebrating?

I think not.







Time to start praying, people.

Happy 53rd, Malaysia.

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-or else worse is yet to come.-