Why or why am I still so weak?
What on earth can I give in to temptation so easily?
Is my bondage that bad?
Is my problem that serious?
I'm still having problems. And it's making me damn frustrated. Haiz.
Help me.
I'm starting to understand the extent of why my dad's like this.
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Monday, 30 March 2009
Bummer.
Just when all things seem so rosy to me, Satan did have to throw a spanner in the works.
I fell to temptation again. Since i'm too embarrassed to tell the public (side note: my blog exceeded 100 hits!!! yay!!!), i shall just ride in my usual manner - in riddles.
Trouble.
Seeping into my room,
like a vile creature, not wish to be seen,
A little niggling thought to haunt me back into the same haunting, dark place;
A place forbidden by eternity,
Perverting you beyond all sense of recognition,
Degrading you into all unknown forms of paranoid and areas of the gray.
A simple issue it seems,
Easily available, easily understandable,
A common problem so rampant it seems ok;
But in all honesty,
This is the source of the most evil,
It is the sign of human's impending judgment.
A small boy lies crying,
Searching for intimacy and affirmation,
And i fell, taking the wrong route to fulfil;
An unfulfilling drug,
destructive beyond advantage,
Now caught in the bondage, struggling to BREAK FREE.
Broken free, it seems,
But definitely saved by the hurtful piercings of our lords,
But being claimed, unrighteously by the vile one;
A constant battlefield,
with both side seemingly indecisive,
Scarred, where should i turn to?
No.
I shall not give up,
I shall not be discouraged,
I shall not be a wasted cause;
God has Amazing Grace,
I have His Spirit in me,
And i shall wake up, and change for the better.
-------
For the record, i do not take any illegal drugs.
I fell to temptation again. Since i'm too embarrassed to tell the public (side note: my blog exceeded 100 hits!!! yay!!!), i shall just ride in my usual manner - in riddles.
Trouble.
Seeping into my room,
like a vile creature, not wish to be seen,
A little niggling thought to haunt me back into the same haunting, dark place;
A place forbidden by eternity,
Perverting you beyond all sense of recognition,
Degrading you into all unknown forms of paranoid and areas of the gray.
A simple issue it seems,
Easily available, easily understandable,
A common problem so rampant it seems ok;
But in all honesty,
This is the source of the most evil,
It is the sign of human's impending judgment.
A small boy lies crying,
Searching for intimacy and affirmation,
And i fell, taking the wrong route to fulfil;
An unfulfilling drug,
destructive beyond advantage,
Now caught in the bondage, struggling to BREAK FREE.
Broken free, it seems,
But definitely saved by the hurtful piercings of our lords,
But being claimed, unrighteously by the vile one;
A constant battlefield,
with both side seemingly indecisive,
Scarred, where should i turn to?
No.
I shall not give up,
I shall not be discouraged,
I shall not be a wasted cause;
God has Amazing Grace,
I have His Spirit in me,
And i shall wake up, and change for the better.
-------
For the record, i do not take any illegal drugs.
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Fire
Yep. That's what i feel like nowadays.
Why? Let me explain.
1st situation.
I saw alot of things lately that make me just want to open up, pray and praise God with everything i have. It's just so joyful. I'm being filled with joy, so much so i know it's not from me. And, really, my steps are so light, especially when i'm sick and out. (i have been falling sick alot lately, again, but somehow it's not deterring me)
Case in point:
God seem to be leading me towards youth. And He's giving me the passion for it. I don't know why and i don't know how can i serve, BUT whenever i'm with fellow youths, or discussing issues with my MYF president and fellow good friend, Andrew; or with my other fellow good friend, Sheng Yong; or even with other committee members, i am just filled with so much fire and passion i start shaking inside. Even practicing for Easter (i'm co-leading a song), and i shake so badly i just had to grip a fist and close my eyes at some points - and cold sweat like hell. Intercession for them is moving, where i just poured myself out from a source i never knew existed. I'm shocked by what is happening whenever stuffs like this happen.
So, don't blame me for talking non-stop about praying, revival, and about youth. It's just something i am passionate about for no reason sometimes. And it's not psycological, coz it's not me. I know there might be sceptics, but i don't care - coz i know it's real, and from God. It's scary and exciting at the same time.
So all i can say is,
Fire. God is Moving.
Why? Let me explain.
1st situation.
I saw alot of things lately that make me just want to open up, pray and praise God with everything i have. It's just so joyful. I'm being filled with joy, so much so i know it's not from me. And, really, my steps are so light, especially when i'm sick and out. (i have been falling sick alot lately, again, but somehow it's not deterring me)
Case in point:
- Prayer Conference. The prayer movement moved me. It sort of gave me a challenge to not be left out. I feel that if youths from all over Malaysia can prayed like how we did there, where even the seemingly insignificant young pray like they're on fire, in desperation, great times are headed for Malaysia. And just imagine my shock when i heard from Pastor Chew Mei declare similiar things for the adults.
- My fellow church youth. I see people rising up to take the challenge. Some are starting to be committed to the youth, and some, unexpected for me, are starting to give their very best, in their capacity, to serve God. And it's more than one. I believe God is creating a new frontier in our youth, distinctively different and more powerful, compared to last time. Even though we seem more short-handed.
- GYC. This has never failed to ASTOUND me of late. The move of God is evident there.
- Other people in the right places and at the right time. Their passion, enthusiasm, and dedication to serving God's Kingdom.
- And just how God is starting to speak to me through talking to people and reading His word ( i have to be honest, i'm not that consistent though.) One example is a few days back, when i feel lost and confused about certain things, i asked God to speak to me. Immediatly i realized that i forgot to read my bible that day. So i opened, and flipped to the Chapter i was supposed to read, and the title hit me like a ton of bricks - Stand Firm.
God seem to be leading me towards youth. And He's giving me the passion for it. I don't know why and i don't know how can i serve, BUT whenever i'm with fellow youths, or discussing issues with my MYF president and fellow good friend, Andrew; or with my other fellow good friend, Sheng Yong; or even with other committee members, i am just filled with so much fire and passion i start shaking inside. Even practicing for Easter (i'm co-leading a song), and i shake so badly i just had to grip a fist and close my eyes at some points - and cold sweat like hell. Intercession for them is moving, where i just poured myself out from a source i never knew existed. I'm shocked by what is happening whenever stuffs like this happen.
So, don't blame me for talking non-stop about praying, revival, and about youth. It's just something i am passionate about for no reason sometimes. And it's not psycological, coz it's not me. I know there might be sceptics, but i don't care - coz i know it's real, and from God. It's scary and exciting at the same time.
So all i can say is,
Fire. God is Moving.
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Random something that i typed till i cried...
I listened to my father singing on the piano at home,
He's better again;
I hope more hurts like this would never come again,
God made me give him another chance.
I listened to my father singing on the piano at home,
Just a simple setup of the Triton connected to an old Midi controller;
The sheer talent that flows through his body,
I yearn for him to be able to serve God like when he was a new Christian.
My home is not perfect, but i love it with all my heart;
My sole desire is to see my family together again.
Free from hurts and pains that tore it apart,
free from Satan's destructive and scarring power on my family.
I listened to my father singing on the piano at home,
His voice cracked, but still so beautiful;
A blessing from God, it must never be put to waste;
A painful reminder of the days when i lost my identity.
I listened to my father singing on the piano at home,
He was singing of the unfailing love of God;
A boiling sense to cry,
I keep on remembering of how God showed His love to me through His community of believers, in the form of 11 X 2, plus 3.
He's better again;
I hope more hurts like this would never come again,
God made me give him another chance.
I listened to my father singing on the piano at home,
Just a simple setup of the Triton connected to an old Midi controller;
The sheer talent that flows through his body,
I yearn for him to be able to serve God like when he was a new Christian.
My home is not perfect, but i love it with all my heart;
My sole desire is to see my family together again.
Free from hurts and pains that tore it apart,
free from Satan's destructive and scarring power on my family.
I listened to my father singing on the piano at home,
His voice cracked, but still so beautiful;
A blessing from God, it must never be put to waste;
A painful reminder of the days when i lost my identity.
I listened to my father singing on the piano at home,
He was singing of the unfailing love of God;
A boiling sense to cry,
I keep on remembering of how God showed His love to me through His community of believers, in the form of 11 X 2, plus 3.
Something i took from JS - a testimony
A little something, since i'm finding it hard to write about my experiences in JS. I guess you guys have to meet me in person to know about it in more detail, including what's the tragedy about. That is limited to who i trust to tell though.
-------
I came to JS, a disillusioned young boy.
Broken from being taken advantage of,
hurt by people and sins which i never took to care about;
I was close to giving up on God,
close to letting my life slip through my own hands, into hell.
But God was gracious,
he gave me hope on the day before YLDP 2008;
He made me challenge Him to show Himself within a small community of 11 X 2, plus 3.
In those extremely short 6 weeks,
It was there that God answered all my questions,
It was there that El Shaddai showed me His unfailing love;
It was Yhwh Rapha that healed me from my sickness, perversion, and infirmities;
It was there that He showed me that He is the God of Love,
It was there that i found my very own feet again.
Even though 6 months had barely passed from that tragedy,
The Lord of Miracles made me come out much stronger, instead of falling away;
It was His amazing grace and love that he protected me from the path of Satan's destruction,
It was His blessed assurance that made me find this group of friends;
It was His awesome power that love and concern just flowed through SUFES campsite like a ton of bricks.
And here i stand, stronger than before;
The passion of Christ burning strongly in my heart,
Joy overflowing, Peace abundant;
Conviction back, and unwavering - despite the circumstances.
And because of that,
I will forever give the glory to God, all the days of my life.
"This is my story, this is my song"
Such is the testimony of Timothy Ignatius Lewis, JS 2009.
-------
And now facing my bed in my room, just on top my hot-wired Hifi:
The little chocolate mirror with the handmade cross hanging in the centre. Just to remind myself about JS and who should be centre of my life, always.
I hope this encourages you guys.
Tim
-------
I came to JS, a disillusioned young boy.
Broken from being taken advantage of,
hurt by people and sins which i never took to care about;
I was close to giving up on God,
close to letting my life slip through my own hands, into hell.
But God was gracious,
he gave me hope on the day before YLDP 2008;
He made me challenge Him to show Himself within a small community of 11 X 2, plus 3.
In those extremely short 6 weeks,
It was there that God answered all my questions,
It was there that El Shaddai showed me His unfailing love;
It was Yhwh Rapha that healed me from my sickness, perversion, and infirmities;
It was there that He showed me that He is the God of Love,
It was there that i found my very own feet again.
Even though 6 months had barely passed from that tragedy,
The Lord of Miracles made me come out much stronger, instead of falling away;
It was His amazing grace and love that he protected me from the path of Satan's destruction,
It was His blessed assurance that made me find this group of friends;
It was His awesome power that love and concern just flowed through SUFES campsite like a ton of bricks.
And here i stand, stronger than before;
The passion of Christ burning strongly in my heart,
Joy overflowing, Peace abundant;
Conviction back, and unwavering - despite the circumstances.
And because of that,
I will forever give the glory to God, all the days of my life.
"This is my story, this is my song"
Such is the testimony of Timothy Ignatius Lewis, JS 2009.
-------
And now facing my bed in my room, just on top my hot-wired Hifi:
The little chocolate mirror with the handmade cross hanging in the centre. Just to remind myself about JS and who should be centre of my life, always.
I hope this encourages you guys.
Tim
Monday, 23 March 2009
double tag
I'm back. Sorry for the delay in posts. i went to Penang last minute (will tell more later). next up will be about JS. Finally. but it might take some time since i'm buried to death in work...
anyways, these are my my first tags to keep you occupied. yay!
This tag is by Sarah Yong.
001. Real Name:
Timothy Ignatius Lewis (i have a middle name, that's not registered in my IC)
002. Nickname(s):
tomato, timun (cucumber), tim...
003. Age:
due 18 this 26th April... (hehehehe...)
004. Horoscope :
Taurus. But i don't believe in it.
005. Male or Female:
Male.
006. Elementary:
Tadika Methodist Kuala Lumpur
007. Primary School:
SRK (C) Chi Man, Sentul
008. High School:
SMJK Confucian
009. College School:
Not just yet
010. Hair colour:
Medium brown
011. Long or Short:
quite long, for a guy
012. Loud or Quiet:
L-O-U-D
013. Sweats or Jeans :
neither.
014. Phone or Camera:
Camera phone (my w800i all the way!!! :-p)
015. Health Freak:
hey, i'm the inventor of "to hell with health" slogan, remember???
016. Drink or Smoke:
Neither. and i don't ever want to.
017. Do you have a crush on someone:
PnC. Tat means got lar.
018. Eat or Drink:
Both.
019. Piercings:
none.
020. Tattoos:
never
021. Social or Anti- Social:
super-social, except when it comes to obeying rules... :-P
Firsts
023. First piercing:
never did it as far as i know.
024. First relationship
PnC. Coz it wrecked my life.
025. First Best Friend:
Foong Sai Ho (still a good friend of mine, visits this blog, i think)
026. First Award:
no idea.
027. First Kiss :
which one? if not, by mom/dad. the 'other one', was taken advantage of, so won't tell.
028. First Pet:
cat. died last year... T.T
029. First Big Vacation:
Melaka?
030. First Love at first sight :
none. unless in a perverted sense of way. not a believer of true love at first sight
031. First Big Birthday:
erm... moz of my birthdays are kinda small-scaled... as long ppl remember, i'll be skipping away.
032. First Surgery:
none. unless stitches count.
033. First sport you joined:
bicycle. if not it's always been running.
This or That
034. Orange or Apple juice:
as long as it's sweet.
035. Rock or Rap:
depends on mood and content of songs, musically and lyrically. (not saying i stay away from 'those' kind of hip-hop/rock songs, though... :-P)
036. Country or Screamo:
what's sceamo? linkin park?
037. NSYNC or Backstreet boys:
both.
038. Britney spears or Christina Aguilera:
both. i'm not artist-dependant. i'm song dependant.
039. Night or Day:
Night-person.
040. Sun or Moon:
what do you mean???
041. TV or Internet:
Internet!!!!!
042. Playstation or xbox:
Neither
043. Kiss or hug:
none at the moment. after ter-stimulate... heheh.
seriously hugs from friends, ok.
044. Iguana or turtle:
none
045. Spider or bee:
hate both.
046. Fall or spring:
summer. :-P
047. Limewire or iTunes:
limewire. need to reinstall it...
048. Soccer or baseball:
none. not sporty.
Currently
049. Eating:
nothing. mom accidentally messed up the chicken. (not her fault) so i'm still hungry...
050. Drinking:
in need for H2O
051. Excitement level :
restless
052. I’m about to:
get my hands burnt by that amd sucker in the laptop i'm using.
053. Listening to:
mom washing plates.
054. Plans for today:
call someone, eat somemore and sleep.
055. Waiting for:
An sms
056. Energy Level:
no idea. numb.
057. Thinking of someone:
yup. d peeps in MYPC n JS.
Future
058. Want kids?:
haven't decided. might want a son.
059. Want to get married?:
no idea. still struggling with 'issues'
060. When?:
-
061. How many kids do you want:
refer to 058.
062. Any name on the mind:
Nope.
063. What did you want to be when you were little:
rich. lol.
064. Careers in mind:
sound engineer. full time youth worker. serious.
065. Mellow future or wild:
wild, mayb???
066. Something you would never try:
illegal drugs.
067. When do you want to die:
dunno. scared about it. as long i don't suffer in the process.
Which is the better in the boy/girl you like (in the future)
068. Lips or Eyes :
i shall not answer 068 to 077 for personal reasons.
069. Romantic or Funny?:
070. Shorter or Taller?:
071. Protective or Caring?:
072. Romantic or Spontaneous?:
073. Nice Stomach or Nice Arms?:
074. Sensitive or Loud?:
075. Hook-up or Relationship?:
076. Trouble Maker or Hesitant?:
077. Muscular or normal:
Have you ever
078. Kissed a stranger:
Not in my life.
079. Broken a bone:
Nope
080. Lost glasses or contacts:
glasses.
081. Ran away from home:
Nope
082. Held a gun/knife for self defence:
does a stick count?
083. Killed somebody:
Nope. i'll kill my self if i did.
084. Broken some one’s heart:
probably.
085. Had your heart broken:
yep.
086. Been arrested:
nope.
087. Cried when someone died:
Yep
088. Liked a friend more than a friend:
Yep. don't ask me about it.
Do you believe in
089. Yourself:
Learning how to.
090. Miracles:
Of course. I see it everyday.
091. Love at first sight:
lust at first sight (went tru tat b4), yep. infactuation, yep. true love? no such thing.
092. Heaven:
Yep
093. Santa Claus:
Nope
094. Tooth Fairy:
what's tat?
095. Kiss in the first date :
nope
096. Angels:
Yep
Answer Truthfully
097. Is there 1 person you want to be with right now?
Yep. a friend. to 'yam-cha'
098. Are you seriously happy with where you’re in life now?
happy, no. content, yes. Coz God placed me here ma.
099. Do you believe in God?
You guess?
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people.
Andrew Wong
Ming Han
Mike Sam
Yi Hong
Nicholas Aw
Ern Wei
And whoever else who wanna do. the other ppl i wanna tag kena tagged by Praise ald. No gurrantee they do it, though.
The end. Hope it opens your eyes about me.
anyways, these are my my first tags to keep you occupied. yay!
This tag is by Sarah Yong.
001. Real Name:
Timothy Ignatius Lewis (i have a middle name, that's not registered in my IC)
002. Nickname(s):
tomato, timun (cucumber), tim...
003. Age:
due 18 this 26th April... (hehehehe...)
004. Horoscope :
Taurus. But i don't believe in it.
005. Male or Female:
Male.
006. Elementary:
Tadika Methodist Kuala Lumpur
007. Primary School:
SRK (C) Chi Man, Sentul
008. High School:
SMJK Confucian
009. College School:
Not just yet
010. Hair colour:
Medium brown
011. Long or Short:
quite long, for a guy
012. Loud or Quiet:
L-O-U-D
013. Sweats or Jeans :
neither.
014. Phone or Camera:
Camera phone (my w800i all the way!!! :-p)
015. Health Freak:
hey, i'm the inventor of "to hell with health" slogan, remember???
016. Drink or Smoke:
Neither. and i don't ever want to.
017. Do you have a crush on someone:
PnC. Tat means got lar.
018. Eat or Drink:
Both.
019. Piercings:
none.
020. Tattoos:
never
021. Social or Anti- Social:
super-social, except when it comes to obeying rules... :-P
Firsts
023. First piercing:
never did it as far as i know.
024. First relationship
PnC. Coz it wrecked my life.
025. First Best Friend:
Foong Sai Ho (still a good friend of mine, visits this blog, i think)
026. First Award:
no idea.
027. First Kiss :
which one? if not, by mom/dad. the 'other one', was taken advantage of, so won't tell.
028. First Pet:
cat. died last year... T.T
029. First Big Vacation:
Melaka?
030. First Love at first sight :
none. unless in a perverted sense of way. not a believer of true love at first sight
031. First Big Birthday:
erm... moz of my birthdays are kinda small-scaled... as long ppl remember, i'll be skipping away.
032. First Surgery:
none. unless stitches count.
033. First sport you joined:
bicycle. if not it's always been running.
This or That
034. Orange or Apple juice:
as long as it's sweet.
035. Rock or Rap:
depends on mood and content of songs, musically and lyrically. (not saying i stay away from 'those' kind of hip-hop/rock songs, though... :-P)
036. Country or Screamo:
what's sceamo? linkin park?
037. NSYNC or Backstreet boys:
both.
038. Britney spears or Christina Aguilera:
both. i'm not artist-dependant. i'm song dependant.
039. Night or Day:
Night-person.
040. Sun or Moon:
what do you mean???
041. TV or Internet:
Internet!!!!!
042. Playstation or xbox:
Neither
043. Kiss or hug:
none at the moment. after ter-stimulate... heheh.
seriously hugs from friends, ok.
044. Iguana or turtle:
none
045. Spider or bee:
hate both.
046. Fall or spring:
summer. :-P
047. Limewire or iTunes:
limewire. need to reinstall it...
048. Soccer or baseball:
none. not sporty.
Currently
049. Eating:
nothing. mom accidentally messed up the chicken. (not her fault) so i'm still hungry...
050. Drinking:
in need for H2O
051. Excitement level :
restless
052. I’m about to:
get my hands burnt by that amd sucker in the laptop i'm using.
053. Listening to:
mom washing plates.
054. Plans for today:
call someone, eat somemore and sleep.
055. Waiting for:
An sms
056. Energy Level:
no idea. numb.
057. Thinking of someone:
yup. d peeps in MYPC n JS.
Future
058. Want kids?:
haven't decided. might want a son.
059. Want to get married?:
no idea. still struggling with 'issues'
060. When?:
-
061. How many kids do you want:
refer to 058.
062. Any name on the mind:
Nope.
063. What did you want to be when you were little:
rich. lol.
064. Careers in mind:
sound engineer. full time youth worker. serious.
065. Mellow future or wild:
wild, mayb???
066. Something you would never try:
illegal drugs.
067. When do you want to die:
dunno. scared about it. as long i don't suffer in the process.
Which is the better in the boy/girl you like (in the future)
068. Lips or Eyes :
i shall not answer 068 to 077 for personal reasons.
069. Romantic or Funny?:
070. Shorter or Taller?:
071. Protective or Caring?:
072. Romantic or Spontaneous?:
073. Nice Stomach or Nice Arms?:
074. Sensitive or Loud?:
075. Hook-up or Relationship?:
076. Trouble Maker or Hesitant?:
077. Muscular or normal:
Have you ever
078. Kissed a stranger:
Not in my life.
079. Broken a bone:
Nope
080. Lost glasses or contacts:
glasses.
081. Ran away from home:
Nope
082. Held a gun/knife for self defence:
does a stick count?
083. Killed somebody:
Nope. i'll kill my self if i did.
084. Broken some one’s heart:
probably.
085. Had your heart broken:
yep.
086. Been arrested:
nope.
087. Cried when someone died:
Yep
088. Liked a friend more than a friend:
Yep. don't ask me about it.
Do you believe in
089. Yourself:
Learning how to.
090. Miracles:
Of course. I see it everyday.
091. Love at first sight:
lust at first sight (went tru tat b4), yep. infactuation, yep. true love? no such thing.
092. Heaven:
Yep
093. Santa Claus:
Nope
094. Tooth Fairy:
what's tat?
095. Kiss in the first date :
nope
096. Angels:
Yep
Answer Truthfully
097. Is there 1 person you want to be with right now?
Yep. a friend. to 'yam-cha'
098. Are you seriously happy with where you’re in life now?
happy, no. content, yes. Coz God placed me here ma.
099. Do you believe in God?
You guess?
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people.
Andrew Wong
Ming Han
Mike Sam
Yi Hong
Nicholas Aw
Ern Wei
And whoever else who wanna do. the other ppl i wanna tag kena tagged by Praise ald. No gurrantee they do it, though.
The end. Hope it opens your eyes about me.
Sunday, 15 March 2009
This week
Firstly, let me thank all of u guys for the encouragement that poured in. It was really the lifeline i needed.
Also, i would not deny that i have been good, connected to God this week. In any rate, i cried alot again and i fell to temptation many times. But God has been gracious, and i got alot to be thankful for this week.
SPM was both not up to my expectations yet betta than i'm was expecting. i will not post my exact results here, but i really can only thank God for it.
This week's events were also a sucess, with only a few mishaps. Another thing to thank God.
Anyway.
-------
The 3 weeks here back home has been draining. If anything, i reminded me of how weak i am spiritually n mentally, plus the fact that alot are still needed to be done in my life, and i am far from it. the trails are there to prove it. also, it showed me that i did improved in many ways, like in temper management, focus, ability to resist temptation and overall strength. It also reminded me that i have to be reliant on God, more than anything else in my life.
I also recieved a few confirmations on things, on which i am grateful, and also some painful kick in the butt to get decided on things. It was painful, but i can only be thankful for that. However, it showed me more uncertainies on many things, regarding security, affirmation, my identity and my future in general. I will be honest, i am totally worn out spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. i need a break and MYPC is a great avenue. I didn't expect rest is needed this fast but that's the way it is.
Also, it showed me how much i needed human affirmation and intimacy. And for that, i have to be grateful to my fellow JS mates, which i dearly miss, my mentor and counsellor, Austin, and my two partners-in-the-Lord, Sheng Yong (appreciate you opening up to me) and Andrew. It also confirmed somethings that have been happening (thanks, sui tim) and reminded me of God's wondrous grace and love to me (thanks mike sam).
One thing i am very insecure though. My future. I am being prompted to uproot. I don't know why but this is something unnatural. I am scared, nervous and i need direction. In short, i need time off to pray.
-------
God holds us together and grants us strength to carry on. wow. a great reminder of His love to us. I'm talking about How Great is Our God, Passion conference. Search it on youtube to find out.
Also, i would not deny that i have been good, connected to God this week. In any rate, i cried alot again and i fell to temptation many times. But God has been gracious, and i got alot to be thankful for this week.
SPM was both not up to my expectations yet betta than i'm was expecting. i will not post my exact results here, but i really can only thank God for it.
This week's events were also a sucess, with only a few mishaps. Another thing to thank God.
Anyway.
-------
The 3 weeks here back home has been draining. If anything, i reminded me of how weak i am spiritually n mentally, plus the fact that alot are still needed to be done in my life, and i am far from it. the trails are there to prove it. also, it showed me that i did improved in many ways, like in temper management, focus, ability to resist temptation and overall strength. It also reminded me that i have to be reliant on God, more than anything else in my life.
I also recieved a few confirmations on things, on which i am grateful, and also some painful kick in the butt to get decided on things. It was painful, but i can only be thankful for that. However, it showed me more uncertainies on many things, regarding security, affirmation, my identity and my future in general. I will be honest, i am totally worn out spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. i need a break and MYPC is a great avenue. I didn't expect rest is needed this fast but that's the way it is.
Also, it showed me how much i needed human affirmation and intimacy. And for that, i have to be grateful to my fellow JS mates, which i dearly miss, my mentor and counsellor, Austin, and my two partners-in-the-Lord, Sheng Yong (appreciate you opening up to me) and Andrew. It also confirmed somethings that have been happening (thanks, sui tim) and reminded me of God's wondrous grace and love to me (thanks mike sam).
One thing i am very insecure though. My future. I am being prompted to uproot. I don't know why but this is something unnatural. I am scared, nervous and i need direction. In short, i need time off to pray.
-------
God holds us together and grants us strength to carry on. wow. a great reminder of His love to us. I'm talking about How Great is Our God, Passion conference. Search it on youtube to find out.
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
indecision, heartaches, temptations and pain
Heartache,
Trust betrayed once more;
Suffering,
Pushed up against the wall;
Painful memories resurface,
What was healing is now torn open again.
The wounds has healed,
But it was torn open again so cruelly;
Maybe it's a test from God,
Maybe it's something to strengthen my faith.
Somehow though there's always a 'but' somewhere,
Somehow though it seems i can't go through the pain again.
Temptations,
To return to the way i was last time,
To fall back into the same old dark pit of sin and depression;
To make my gains in Jeremiah School,
To make it a lost;
To make it just another time wasted.
But i will not allow that to happen.
The time in JS was something only God can send;
I am permanently changed, i am not the same;
And i must make sure it stays as such.
Indecision,
Whether i shall leave those that hurts behind;
To call it long-gone, to call it beyond my repair.
Whether to uproot and change my path to something else,
Whether to move away from the things i know best;
To move into uncertainties that only God is certain about.
But hey, anywhere i go,
I must follow the will of God;
Whereever i go,
I must not forget who is the source of my life.
Trust betrayed once more;
Suffering,
Pushed up against the wall;
Painful memories resurface,
What was healing is now torn open again.
The wounds has healed,
But it was torn open again so cruelly;
Maybe it's a test from God,
Maybe it's something to strengthen my faith.
Somehow though there's always a 'but' somewhere,
Somehow though it seems i can't go through the pain again.
Temptations,
To return to the way i was last time,
To fall back into the same old dark pit of sin and depression;
To make my gains in Jeremiah School,
To make it a lost;
To make it just another time wasted.
But i will not allow that to happen.
The time in JS was something only God can send;
I am permanently changed, i am not the same;
And i must make sure it stays as such.
Indecision,
Whether i shall leave those that hurts behind;
To call it long-gone, to call it beyond my repair.
Whether to uproot and change my path to something else,
Whether to move away from the things i know best;
To move into uncertainties that only God is certain about.
But hey, anywhere i go,
I must follow the will of God;
Whereever i go,
I must not forget who is the source of my life.
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
abt yesterday.
for those who aren't informed, the struggle is about my father. again.
yep, he's drinking again.
i really dunno how to love him. i hate him but i love him. See my confession abt my father to understand better.
Work, Income has come to a stand still. Which is obviously not good. Talking about work, there are contracts to fulfil. I'm able to do it in place of him, if i sacrifice some luxuries (yes, i'm calling it luxury) like sleep, makan, MYPC, going out and taking my result on that day. However, some things need more than a person to do it. Which is why i'm buried with work now. Even being buried with work, though, i might not be able to fulfil all those contracts as it's just so much to do. or else me n my mom have no knowledge of the details of the contract.
Thank you very much dad. You really chose a perfect time to be drunk. Damn it.
yep, he's drinking again.
i really dunno how to love him. i hate him but i love him. See my confession abt my father to understand better.
Work, Income has come to a stand still. Which is obviously not good. Talking about work, there are contracts to fulfil. I'm able to do it in place of him, if i sacrifice some luxuries (yes, i'm calling it luxury) like sleep, makan, MYPC, going out and taking my result on that day. However, some things need more than a person to do it. Which is why i'm buried with work now. Even being buried with work, though, i might not be able to fulfil all those contracts as it's just so much to do. or else me n my mom have no knowledge of the details of the contract.
Thank you very much dad. You really chose a perfect time to be drunk. Damn it.
Sunday, 8 March 2009
trials, love issues and blessings.
God has so allowed that my first big trial after JS is facing me squarely now. I have to be frank, it's not gonna be easy. I really need strength and prayers from you guys. If i get past this, i can confidently say that i'm back on my feet.
Anyway, up next: Confessions Act 3 (yes, it's here!), Jehovah Jireh (a testimony), Trials (the issue above in detail) and JS 2009 (title needs no explaination). Stay tuned (the titles are not in order, FYI). A post will be up by mid-week. chao.
Anyway, up next: Confessions Act 3 (yes, it's here!), Jehovah Jireh (a testimony), Trials (the issue above in detail) and JS 2009 (title needs no explaination). Stay tuned (the titles are not in order, FYI). A post will be up by mid-week. chao.
Saturday, 7 March 2009
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
About the year 2008 and YLDP
Before i start, i just wanna tell you guys that i'll be linking stuff to the old blog so that i can have the ease of Skydrive and not importing my old posts. The old blog'll be alive for that purpose, and that purpose only. Oh, and this blog is still under renovation. Gadgets that i wanted to be her, like links and chatbox, are not here yet. So plz forgive and make do with watever is here.
Wanted to get started blogging about JS, when i realized (through my notes on phone) that i have imcompleted blog postings that were supposed to be on the old site, when i got too fed-up to continue using windows live... (just to prove that i actually started scheduling what to post for more orderly updates) Unfortunately the posts were gone thanks to the laptop being formatted, plus me being away from that computer(no chance to post pics also... T.T), which brings me to this impromtu post about it.
So.
-------
Year 2008. My SPM year. My year of suffering. My year of unexpected blessings. Lets get started, cause i know it's really late for such a thing.
First up, i started the year on a whole new low. 2007 was already a bad year for me, and 2008 was to be even worse, in everyway. I got sick on the first few days of school due to overwork during December due to me being a workaholic. I got that reminder from David during YLDP 2007, but i can say that i didn't take that heeding till it hit me real hard the following year. And THAT, is due to one reason and one reason alone: The last day of YLDP 2007.
I was touched by the love shown by the community of Christ in that camp, i felt it most explicitly then. But then, as my January blog post said, "imagine having to act as if everythings ok to everyone you know when NOTHING AT ALL is going towards the supposed constant, that EVERYTHING is a variable and it looks damn bleak... imagine losing hope and the very essence of your soul... imagine being hurt by the person that you love most." I was hurt by a person I love so much, i was willing to risk the very well-being of my current status and future to - and was already doing so. But it all got thrown back squarely in my face, with some pepper, salt and vinegar added to it on that very day. That day was so, damn, fake. "imagine yourself feeling like a hypocrite to anybody you face, imagine having sometimes to lie to your most trusted of friends and peers and putting on a mask towards your most loved ones, including those of not the family, namely adult friends you view as heroes." That was my tone for the start of the year.
"he never even meant his apology. and he blames you for what happened. and i don't even have a face to show anywhere!" Nobody knew what was happening, i had no human to turn to; i was so discouraged and bitter that even to consider the slightest possibility to turn to God was a mockery, that i took the most obvious, and disastrous turn. Inside. Like shown in the very next post: "What is the worth of me? ... what's the point to living? ... so seriously, what is the point of me? ... i'm all fuzzy. i dont have a cause. goodbye me."
It didn't get better. I went to a greater low of perverting myself, literally. I felt guilt, but it grew numb over time. I went to prayer conference, and it turned out to be hell. Easter skit was the only redeeming factor over the first half of the year. But the lyrics of Everything, Lifehouse, hurt like hell. It was what my heart was saying.
"Where was the love I had?
Then tragedy struck.
Looking back, it was mostly my fault that i didn't allow the wound of the earlier incidents from that previous year to heal. But then, i was finding for healing. I was finding for someone to take me outta the mess. I was sooo desperate i opened myself too easily when i should've known better. But also then, nobody saw what was happening.
And that was all i could take. My SPM preparation went haywire. So did the total communication to God and the outside world. I was ready to give up for 9 months already, and i did.
Even my blog then started to close-up on what was me. Then everything i knew was then reached a time to close up (much to my relief, actually): School, CF duties, blah blah blah.
And there came Austin. And there came SPM. And there came YLDP. Redeeming at last. That was what i needed, abeit not enough. But enough to set the stage for 2009, namely JS 2009. And i have alot to be thankful for.
Wanted to get started blogging about JS, when i realized (through my notes on phone) that i have imcompleted blog postings that were supposed to be on the old site, when i got too fed-up to continue using windows live... (just to prove that i actually started scheduling what to post for more orderly updates) Unfortunately the posts were gone thanks to the laptop being formatted, plus me being away from that computer(no chance to post pics also... T.T), which brings me to this impromtu post about it.
So.
-------
Year 2008. My SPM year. My year of suffering. My year of unexpected blessings. Lets get started, cause i know it's really late for such a thing.
First up, i started the year on a whole new low. 2007 was already a bad year for me, and 2008 was to be even worse, in everyway. I got sick on the first few days of school due to overwork during December due to me being a workaholic. I got that reminder from David during YLDP 2007, but i can say that i didn't take that heeding till it hit me real hard the following year. And THAT, is due to one reason and one reason alone: The last day of YLDP 2007.
I was touched by the love shown by the community of Christ in that camp, i felt it most explicitly then. But then, as my January blog post said, "imagine having to act as if everythings ok to everyone you know when NOTHING AT ALL is going towards the supposed constant, that EVERYTHING is a variable and it looks damn bleak... imagine losing hope and the very essence of your soul... imagine being hurt by the person that you love most." I was hurt by a person I love so much, i was willing to risk the very well-being of my current status and future to - and was already doing so. But it all got thrown back squarely in my face, with some pepper, salt and vinegar added to it on that very day. That day was so, damn, fake. "imagine yourself feeling like a hypocrite to anybody you face, imagine having sometimes to lie to your most trusted of friends and peers and putting on a mask towards your most loved ones, including those of not the family, namely adult friends you view as heroes." That was my tone for the start of the year.
"he never even meant his apology. and he blames you for what happened. and i don't even have a face to show anywhere!" Nobody knew what was happening, i had no human to turn to; i was so discouraged and bitter that even to consider the slightest possibility to turn to God was a mockery, that i took the most obvious, and disastrous turn. Inside. Like shown in the very next post: "What is the worth of me? ... what's the point to living? ... so seriously, what is the point of me? ... i'm all fuzzy. i dont have a cause. goodbye me."
It didn't get better. I went to a greater low of perverting myself, literally. I felt guilt, but it grew numb over time. I went to prayer conference, and it turned out to be hell. Easter skit was the only redeeming factor over the first half of the year. But the lyrics of Everything, Lifehouse, hurt like hell. It was what my heart was saying.
"Where was the love I had?
Where was the peace I need?
Where was the passion I need?
Where was the placement of confidentiality I had when I’m in my darkest time?
Where art thou, O Lord, when I needed you most?"
"Oh, why can I stand here and STILL not be moved by You?
Why will I desire something more – something BEYOND the light?
Why am I orientated such, and such against all forms?
To join, a path well trodden by beings somewhat LESS THAN HUMAN?"
"But I digress, yet knowing all knowledge of that evil
And step down into a position deemed cosy
I was hurt, and I slipped – darned beings
And THAT FUCKING help might just be a little too little, too late"
(Sorry for the uncensoredness. This is me. Or what i was, at least)
Then tragedy struck.
Looking back, it was mostly my fault that i didn't allow the wound of the earlier incidents from that previous year to heal. But then, i was finding for healing. I was finding for someone to take me outta the mess. I was sooo desperate i opened myself too easily when i should've known better. But also then, nobody saw what was happening.
And that was all i could take. My SPM preparation went haywire. So did the total communication to God and the outside world. I was ready to give up for 9 months already, and i did.
Even my blog then started to close-up on what was me. Then everything i knew was then reached a time to close up (much to my relief, actually): School, CF duties, blah blah blah.
And there came Austin. And there came SPM. And there came YLDP. Redeeming at last. That was what i needed, abeit not enough. But enough to set the stage for 2009, namely JS 2009. And i have alot to be thankful for.
Sunday, 1 March 2009
No proper internet access
Fans, i have bad news.
i now only have an old com to surf internet, which doesn't open msn, hotmail and youtube (in essence, any flash stuffs due to system unable to meet requirements).
and web access is ten times slower than usual, so...
no updates till futher notice. rot in peace.
oh, it frequently jams up on blogger. dang.
-tim
i now only have an old com to surf internet, which doesn't open msn, hotmail and youtube (in essence, any flash stuffs due to system unable to meet requirements).
and web access is ten times slower than usual, so...
no updates till futher notice. rot in peace.
oh, it frequently jams up on blogger. dang.
-tim
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