About the year 2008 and YLDP

Before i start, i just wanna tell you guys that i'll be linking stuff to the old blog so that i can have the ease of Skydrive and not importing my old posts. The old blog'll be alive for that purpose, and that purpose only. Oh, and this blog is still under renovation. Gadgets that i wanted to be her, like links and chatbox, are not here yet. So plz forgive and make do with watever is here.

Wanted to get started blogging about JS, when i realized (through my notes on phone) that i have imcompleted blog postings that were supposed to be on the old site, when i got too fed-up to continue using windows live... (just to prove that i actually started scheduling what to post for more orderly updates) Unfortunately the posts were gone thanks to the laptop being formatted, plus me being away from that computer(no chance to post pics also... T.T), which brings me to this impromtu post about it.

So.
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Year 2008. My SPM year. My year of suffering. My year of unexpected blessings. Lets get started, cause i know it's really late for such a thing.

First up, i started the year on a whole new low. 2007 was already a bad year for me, and 2008 was to be even worse, in everyway. I got sick on the first few days of school due to overwork during December due to me being a workaholic. I got that reminder from David during YLDP 2007, but i can say that i didn't take that heeding till it hit me real hard the following year. And THAT, is due to one reason and one reason alone: The last day of YLDP 2007.

I was touched by the love shown by the community of Christ in that camp, i felt it most explicitly then. But then, as my January blog post said, "imagine having to act as if everythings ok to everyone you know when NOTHING AT ALL is going towards the supposed constant, that EVERYTHING is a variable and it looks damn bleak... imagine losing hope and the very essence of your soul... imagine being hurt by the person that you love most." I was hurt by a person I love so much, i was willing to risk the very well-being of my current status and future to - and was already doing so. But it all got thrown back squarely in my face, with some pepper, salt and vinegar added to it on that very day. That day was so, damn, fake. "imagine yourself feeling like a hypocrite to anybody you face, imagine having sometimes to lie to your most trusted of friends and peers and putting on a mask towards your most loved ones, including those of not the family, namely adult friends you view as heroes." That was my tone for the start of the year.

"he never even meant his apology. and he blames you for what happened. and i don't even have a face to show anywhere!" Nobody knew what was happening, i had no human to turn to; i was so discouraged and bitter that even to consider the slightest possibility to turn to God was a mockery, that i took the most obvious, and disastrous turn. Inside. Like shown in the very next post: "What is the worth of me? ... what's the point to living? ... so seriously, what is the point of me? ... i'm all fuzzy. i dont have a cause. goodbye me."

It didn't get better. I went to a greater low of perverting myself, literally. I felt guilt, but it grew numb over time. I went to prayer conference, and it turned out to be hell. Easter skit was the only redeeming factor over the first half of the year. But the lyrics of Everything, Lifehouse, hurt like hell. It was what my heart was saying.

"Where was the love I had?

Where was the peace I need?

Where was the passion I need?

Where was the placement of confidentiality I had when I’m in my darkest time?

Where art thou, O Lord, when I needed you most?"

"Oh, why can I stand here and STILL not be moved by You?
Why will I desire something more – something BEYOND the light?
Why am I orientated such, and such against all forms?
To join, a path well trodden by beings somewhat LESS THAN HUMAN?"

"But I digress, yet knowing all knowledge of that evil
And step down into a position deemed cosy
I was hurt, and I slipped – darned beings
And THAT FUCKING help might just be a little too little, too late"

(Sorry for the uncensoredness. This is me. Or what i was, at least)

That was me back then. I got so close to things i wouldn't even dream doing 2 years ago. Like suicide. Serious. That was how bad it was. I was lost and confused. I worked against my convictions.

Then tragedy struck.

Looking back, it was mostly my fault that i didn't allow the wound of the earlier incidents from that previous year to heal. But then, i was finding for healing. I was finding for someone to take me outta the mess. I was sooo desperate i opened myself too easily when i should've known better. But also then, nobody saw what was happening.

And that was all i could take. My SPM preparation went haywire. So did the total communication to God and the outside world. I was ready to give up for 9 months already, and i did.

Even my blog then started to close-up on what was me. Then everything i knew was then reached a time to close up (much to my relief, actually): School, CF duties, blah blah blah.

And there came Austin. And there came SPM. And there came YLDP. Redeeming at last. That was what i needed, abeit not enough. But enough to set the stage for 2009, namely JS 2009. And i have alot to be thankful for.