It's the new year.

So?

It's CHRISTMAS.

...

...

...

...

...

huh?

-------
Another gear review coming up. Should be fun.

post YLDP blues...

Sorry for the blog/msn hiatus right after YLDP... Got no reason to be offline.

Like how i'm stuffed up with work and i'm online right now. hahaha.

anyways...

-------

YLDP... What to say about it? everything was so... good. Was ministered, was fellowshipped, made a few new friends, and met a few old ones... Level 3 is their best level, too...

Mother of all YLDPs, for me at least.

Anything else is too freaking personal to share.

Wait.

I worship lead there. Once. Lost me voice in the process. Don't ask how or why. haha.

...

What the heck am i musing?

I'm emo, that's why.

Happy 100th post, blog.

Located in nowhere

Emo again... so, sorry.

-------

Neither here nor there,
Here and there forth withstanding,
Gone and here, haunting again,
Beings unknown residing inside.

Trust uncertain,
lost and lost again here,
Trespassed, and trespassed upon,
sick and unyielding.

Help needed, perhaps,
Given, blessings of an uncertain source.
Stretched, torn and weeping, rested.
But the pain just doesn't seem to go away.

-------
Anyways,

YLDP coming up!!!!

Trouble.

.

Sorry for the lack of updates... Busy. But if i had updated, it'll be the same painful emo session thingy again. Not good. Yes, i'm on an extended low now... Don't ask unless you already know.

People come and people go.
Events come and they go.
Friends come and they leave.
But this one thing i didn't want to stay, remain.

Pain in every corner,
Tears in every seam,
Scream echoes down the hall;
And it won't go away.

Arrgh.







-------




Look carefully.Legal of illegal? Might get killed for posting this.

open, close.

Leaving something behind

Of late, i've become a very frustrated man.
Easily angered, irritable, mood dependant, the like.
Things started clamping down on me.
Depressed, all over again.

Many sleepless nights,
I lost a sense of direction.
I wondered what will i do with my life?
Of two years, one has passed, passed to do something big.

I woke up this morning,
wondering where i'm going.
What will i leave behind?
What is my legacy?

And somehow this just leads away to despair...
Is this the end of me?

bugger.

Getting to know each other

From facebook. Coz i was 'kepo'... Thanks Jun arn...

If you've been tagged or you are reading this, you have the honor of copying all these goofy questions, writing your own response, and tagging 25 other victims. You have to TAG ME so really you just need 24 more people. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your title as "Getting to know each other!", tag 25 people including me (tagging is done in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
6.15am. Don't ask.

2. How do you like your steak?
Fully cooked. Amen.

3. What was the last film you watched at the cinema?
Gamer. First above 18 movie legally man! (of course, watch others illegally before... hehehe)

4. What is your current favorite TV show?
Top Gear. Online.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Malaysia. If not heaven... :-)

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Milo

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Malaysian.

8. What foods do you dislike?
pumpkins...?

9. Favourite Place to Eat?
erm... A chinese restaurant in Sri Gombak...

10. Favourite dressing?
Casually...

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Kelisa (soon!)

12. What are your favorite clothes?
T-shirts and 3-quarters

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
No Idea. Must be on someone's expense. haha.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?l?
It's half. Either way it is. Wait, was this supposed to mean something else?

15. Where would you want to retire?
No idea.

16. Favourite time of day ?
11pm

17. Where were you born?
Klang's hospital

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Don't watch sports

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Dunno. But i already did this tag...

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
dunno.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Hm... Everyone.

22. Bird watcher?
Till my cat attacks them... (evil grin) (Lucy, come!!!!)

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night la

24. Do you have any pets?
A cat. As emo as me. Serious.

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
It'll make me emo. Don't ask.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Too embarrasing to say di...

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Playing in school with Sai Ho and Kok Mun. Those rocked.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Both.

29. Are you married?
U think?

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Normally nowadays. Got no Muallah.

31. Been in a car accident?
Yes.

32. Any pet peeves?
Huh?

33. Favourite Pizza Toppings?
I'm happy so long i got cheese...

35. Favourite ice cream?
Chocolate, stawberry, vanilla... aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh.

36. Favourite fast food restaurant?
Any.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Hopefully, none.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Austin, last time i checked.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
No credit card. Yet... (evil grin)

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Defitnately. Don't ask.

41. Like your job?
Juz fired myself

42. Broccoli?
What about it?

43. What was your favorite vacation?
JS. Which ain't no vacation.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Family..

45. What are you listening to right now?
curses by fellow ex-juniors. I'm at a CC.

46. What is your favourite colour?
Red.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
0

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
EveryONE!!!!

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
10.48am according to this com...

50. Coffee Drinker?
Not. MILO!

i just... don't... take... shit!

But i digress...

Apparently i shouldn't pressure myself for words, or words won't come out at all...

(head starts a drum groove)

Apparently giving up somethings make you feel so much more... free. I'm more relaxed after...

Also, responsibilities are wierd, wierd things... They turn you inside out.

(drum groove goes out of sync)

Times have passed so fast. Sigh. I need to get my butt moving faster. Time is running out.

Peace, y'all. if only there were such a thing in my life.

That's it.

I ran out of words to say.

Blog, DIE.

Roller Coaster

Life's been throwing me a roller coaster ride.

I feel sick of it.

Break time please!!!!!!

--------

I needed tears to fall. And i found it, in the arms of grace.

Random...? feelings.

Feel down, drowsy, sleepy and... wanting to update this blog.

I feel like eating... sushi.

I feel like... my pants are dirty. (It's not)

I feel like doing a crazy stunt today.

I feel like resigning myself into a long vacation with... a random someone.

I feel like i should learn how to cook.

I feel like i need to get into a sticky situation... set up by myself.

I feel like i need to set this old com on fire even though this is the first time it didn't hang on me when i'm on blogger. So that i can watch the sparks because it is still plugged in and my life will be shorted a few years coz of burning plastic.

I feel like my head's on a permanant head damage.

I feel like i should shock someone. With a groin buster. Haven't done it in years.

I feel like i should take psycology for fun.

I dunno why but i feel like typing all this for the sheer randomness of it. I do not gurantee it's a realistic feeling.
One more shot.

I feel like i should press this button called publish. And that's probably the only thing i would actually do from the whole list... Maybe.

I'm spending sooooo much time thinking but my thoughts are just blank.

Also,

I. Need. To. Control. My. Hormones.

Have you had your Timothy today?

Tagged again. This time by Wen Dee.

Go to: http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi
Put your name in, and generate slogan after each question.

1. What do you say to yourself every morning?
I wish I were a Timothy Weiner.
That's bad.

2. What do you want other people to say about you?
It's just for me and my Timothy...
Woo... Mysterious...

3. Someone asked you out, your answer is...
Timothy not included.
T.T

5. How would you introduce yourself to someone you really like?
The biggest Timothy money can buy.
Wierd...

6. To someone you dislike?
Splash Timothy all over
It's splat you idiot...

7. You're in a conversation and you suddenly feel the need to pee, how would you excuse yourself?
See the USA in your Timothy
o.O

8. Your parents ask you why you got home late, you say...
The Timothy that smiles back
And i got killed after saying that, won't i???

9. You're failing a subject, you say...
Today's Timothy, Since 1903
(Chun!)

10. The love of your life asks you to marry him/her, what do you say?
The best Timothy a man can get

11. Your bf/gf is breaking up with you, you tell him/her...
(ooi,)Make every Timothy count
whoop!

13. What are the best words to describe you?
It's not TV, it's Timothy
(And will that suggest i bring bad influence?)

14. If you're going to have a movie about your life, the title is...
It's good to talk Timothy

15. Your last words before you die...
Stop! This Timothy is not ready yet!
Nice...

16. Your message to a special someone..
Designed for Timothy, Engineered to last
er...?

17. Title of this post will be...
Have you had your Timothy today?
Whoop whoop!

Tags mayhem...

TAG ONE

01. Your Name, and explain your Chosen Name: Timothy, reason ar... Lazy to find out...

02. Mental Age: No idea whatsoever

03. Single or Taken: Single but not available for the moment

04. Favorite Book: I don't exactly read anymore...

05. Favorite Song or Album: Currently, I want you back, Sonor / None

06. What do you believe is your calling in life? Your greatest passion?: Something big/food, friends and family.

07. What's your worst recurring nightmare/biggest fear?: A traumatic experience/myself

08. Faith, has you any? And if so, what, and if not, why not?: God. Why not, not?

09. Do we know each other outside of LJ/FB? Do we want to?: JS mates. And loving it... (dun understand Q2...

10. What's your philosophy on life?: All the way or no way...

11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?: Mood determines

12. Would you tell me something painful if it was in my best interest?: Yes

13. What is your favorite memory of us?: 6 weeks of JS, Js REu 2

14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?: Can't tell.

15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you: There's so many i dunno what to say...

16. You can have three wishes what are they?:
a) For the pain to go away
b) to not work so hard/easier life
c) for the chance to be more often with people that matter.
(i'm in an emo mood, so forgive)

17. What is your favourite food?: Anything goes... sweet stuff preferred.

18. Which country is your spiritual home?: It's a half acre land - my church

19. What is your big weakness?: my mind

20. Do you think I'm a good person?: In fact, one of the best...

21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?: English/physics

22. Describe your accent: chinesey...

23. If you could change anything about me, would you?: Nope

24. What do you wear to sleep?: something wrong. just joking. Tees and shorts.

25. Gender identity?: Male

26. Affectionate/sexual orientation?: dun understand/borderline. dun ask why.

27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?: Just be silent together

TAG TWO

1. What is your name: Timothy
2. A four Letter Word: Time
3. A boy's Name: Tim
4. A girl's Name: Tiffany
5. An occupation: Tailor
6. A color: ...?
7. Something you wear: Tees
8. A food: TGIs... oops.
9. Something found in the bathroom: (brain blew from thinking too hard)
10. A place: Tokyo
11. A reason for being late: ...
12. Something you shout: Totally!!!!
13. A movie title: lazy to answer
14. Something you drink: Tinge
15. A musical group: The Rolling Stones... :-p
16. An animal: Tiger
17. A street name: Damn this is hard...
18. A type of car: arrggghhh...
19. A song title: The take's over, the break's over
20. A verb: totally.

TAG THREE

Dear Kent,
I don't really know how to tell you this, (Our romance is over). I think I realized it (When I tripped on peanut butter) (In your closet) and I saw you (Carve your initials into) The Catholic Priest). I'm sure you're (Scarred) enough to understand (That you need a sex-change). I'm returning your (toe ring) to you, but I'll keep (your collection of butterflies) as a memory. You should also know that I (Get sick when I think of your feet) and (your Cucumber-fetishism is weird).
Warm tingly sensations,
Timothy

Man this is sooooo wrong. Don't mean it obviously.

========================================================

Here's how you do it:

Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this,(1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning your (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
(Your name)

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forrest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Other - With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Other -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself

Do it if you feel like it.
moody... haiz.

When, oh when, will those *toot* nightmares go away...

Lord, heal me. Please.

-------

Anyways, tell me what does this mean:

I was at the resthouse, a resort;
Hot but surprisingly cold,
A highland place,
with chilly winds and burning sun.

Disorientated, not knowing what the hell was i doing there,
i climbed up a long narrow, winding staircase of a tower after going up from the main block;
But not before pausing to notice many unknown faces i have met before,
Unnamed undividuals i saw some point in life.

Reaching the top, i saw loved ones,
Mutilated, tortured, devilish somehow;
Coaxing me with the kind of haunting love to go to the edge of that skyview roof;
And suddenly something grabbed me,
-something i should never feel, ever.-

That became my motivation, I went ahead;
But as soon as three steps were taken, i fell,
It was inclining downwards and it was slippery;
I wondered, but the adrenaline and the anger drove me on, blind and crawling.
-The sensation of grabbing still exists!-

I reached the edge, grille protecting me from falling to an uncertain death;
Saw a chilling but awesome view of a huge forest valley and a larger mountain;
Water, just gushing under me to become a waterfall beyond the edge;
Slipping, to a flat halt on my face, adrenaline and anger rushing with fear in my veins.
-I awoke, with sweat dripping like hell and a messed up pants-


(A Dream)

Train ride

Stuck in a personal world,
Confused and alone;
Scarred by the past,
Bruised by the anticipation of what is to come.

Sitting alone on a train,
Signs of hurt and bitterness remain;
Past, but present,
Bleached, but burnt.

The problem with not keeping it solid,
Lost vision and destroyed aspirations;
Yearning to go back where i belong,
But going back to where i don't.

The past haunts me sometimes,
Today was that sometime;
I sometimes wonder why,
But i need not doubt it anymore than you.

Decrees to remember,
Beacon's job to be done;
A little symbol of hope,
A little love to show.
(Yeah!)

A maturity process in the making,
A journey to traverse in time;
A little joy for the hurting and the bitter,
A little faith to keep me going on.

Tracks control, we do not have,
Obstacles ahead, we do not know;
Stations to stop, it was determined,
But it is time to be something different.

Because,
We are the ones responsible to look out of the window,
Amidst the craziness,
sins,
stumbles,
corruption,
perversion,
hurts,
Confusion.

And you will find God, there.

Worried. Very very worried.

Why? i was just with my dad for the very first time in the hospital and heard what he had to say about his condition...

Also...

Haiz.

Realized that vomitting out an idea i thought of writing a few hours later is impossible.

So there went my post on driving...

oops.

Anyways...

What?

It's August.

I'm somehow tired.

God give me strength!

On another note, this Tuesday will be my Undang2 Lesson. Nervous.

Desperado. It's a tag.

1. How old are you?
Eighteen

2. Are you single?
YEP. That's why i'm feeling desperate. LOL... (juz joking. I juz feel lonely at times)

3. At what age do you think you'll get married?
Whenever is a right time. I don't mind waiting. Juz wanna get rid of my trauma (don't ask if dunno) first. Dun wan my 'other half' to be burdened by it. And also a stable life also.

4. Do you think you'll marry the person you are with now?
I'm alone now... so... heheheh.

5. If not, who you want to marry?
Somebody i can proudly say is DAMN HOT!!!! (not you hon. :P)

6. Who will be your bridesmaid and bestman?
i feel bad to choose... serious.

7. Do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
A mix. Long explanation.

8. Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?
Somewhere hot. Steamy. Romantic. And... (oops)

9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
Close buddies and family members. And FnF who know how to par-ty...
The numbers probably reach only 100 for ceremony and 200 for dinner... Or less.

10. Will that include your exes?
Defitnately not my first ex. (Yes, i have been in a relationship)

11. How many layers of cake do you want?
The maximum number possible of some nice icecream cake with molten choc topping... ah.

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
Evening. More romantic and can party harder... lol.

13. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
A song i write
Not the usual playlist of songs. I've been to too many weddings doing sound.
Defitnately some praise and worship song. God is important.

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon & fork? Knife?
Chopsticks. LoL. Juz joking.

15. Champagne or red wine?
Hm.... haven't tried both, so... :-p
(i might decide to make it a 'clean' wedding)

16. Honeymoon right after wedding or days after the wedding?
Hmm...

17. Money or household items?
Money. Household items come later...

18. How many kids would you like to have?
Dunno.

19. Will you record your honeymoon on DVD/CD?
But must be censored... You know, kids. :-p

20. Colour of wedding dress?
Pure white. Got reason. Serious. But i must look hawt in it...

21. Wedding card?
Very, very specially designed... Award winning kind.

22. Wedding gift?
What wedding gift?

23. Camera man?
Duh.

24. Whose wedding plans would you like to know next?
Whosoever who likes to do it.

Fling wide you heavenly gates
Prepare the way for the risen Lord...

Floored by glory

Was at Prayer meeting last night. and i was floored.

Never seen my pastor prayed so passionately before... at least for soooo long.
Never seen some adults (especially uncle Mak n aunty Margaret) pray so fervently before
Never cried in a adult's prayer meeting before... unless if i was in a youth's only group.
Never had a chance where i actually managed to keep silent... for a whole 40 minutes.

And heard about a vision which disturbed, but sitrred....

Wow.

Show me Your glory.
Show me Your glory.
I want to gaze into the beauty of Your holiness.
and show me Your glory, I'm desperate to see,and
I will be still as You reveal Your glory.

Verse:
I am drawing near to be with  You,
there's a longing in my heart to be with You.
Call my name and I will answer You,
in humble truth, Lord, here I am.

Hide me in Your hand and show me Your glory, show me your glory 
I want to gaze into the beauty of Your holiness.
and show me Your glory lord,Show me your glory, I'm desperate to see,and
I will be still as You reveal 
I will be still as You reveal, Your glory.

Fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Noticed God speaking through me in the past week a consistently similiar (but from different angles) message.

I really need to keep my QT, prayer life and devotion in check.

Time to supercharge the presence and work of Him in me!!!!!

Nightmares

Had a terrible nightmare last night. Two. One symbolic, one is one that i've gone tru.

Woke up with dried tears and my whole self disorientated. Lucky i ain't got much work today (the reason why i'm blogging at this time of the day, or even blogging for that matter.)

Anyways.

Things have been good on my side so far, with business and busyness rolling in like a hurricane. It's a good thing, because that meant i won't need to worry so much on the financial side of the business that much and worry more on producing better quality work, logistics for the ever-stressful and unpredictable events and erm, future plans for me and the company (like new gear - my favourite... :-p). Only big struggle is to make sure all this don't sweep my focus off from the most important thing in my life.

However, as always, there's a damper in the jovial proceedings - hauntings. I now get frequently haunted by my past in the forms of pre-sleep nightmares and during sleep nightmares. It spoils the mood, and kind of frightens me, as it's a repeat of the trauma and i... loathe it. It feels as if a monster breathing down my neck and choking me. I absolutely feel trapped whenever those nightmares happen. Luckily it has not destroyed my physical rhythm, other than the fact that my whole body aches for no bloody reason. Mentally it's the same old roller coaster ride thanks to this. This is effecting my other big problem - my relationship with D. I have several stuffs i wish i can get over with him but it seems more and more likely it won't be till his death. Haiz.

Also, being 18 starts to make you feel desperate for a relationship. But on that matter, there many, many other things making me feel... confused and stuck. Still.

"Could be worse."

This is so cool...

Yes, it's a Micheal Jackson cover. (not that i care about it) Yes, it's accapella.

But that's why i found it. They are seriously good. Check it out.

No need to mention MJ. I just like his vocals + inspirational music. Full stop.

Meanwhile...




It seems weird the tears can come even after more than 3 months... The tears of missing people.

Hey all. It's me again from a old com.

-Com jammed 5 times before managed to type that line-

Music can really move your soul. Particularly Christian worship music. That lifted me up from the wallowing pit i had been of late.

Well, that was one whole day of music. Found some interesting old cassettes to play back too... Sometimes, this is how you can worship God, apparently...

After finally managing to lose myself in God's presence once more, i feel much better now.

-------

I read with much interest the posts on the Subang Rally 2009 blog. Have my own opinions about their words which i intend to keep to myself... Not bad, don't worry. Just... subjective.

Got a youth prayer meeting to go to after this. Whee! (not meant sacastically.)

"Sometimes, the supernatural starts with us"

It continues...

*toot* *toot* *toot* *toot* *toot* *toot* *toot*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See? Case in point proven.

Frustration

I feel lousy.

Not because situations ain't good, it's because i'm ain't good.

Why do i keep falling???

Damnit.

Burnt.

I'm flat.

Help.

-------

There must be more than this...

Facebook

As you all know, i'm left out of this social networking frenzy...

So, to join or not to join???

Do put your thoughts... in the comments plz!!!

-------

I've been thinking about the phrase my pastor has been saying for quite a while now - B.U.S.Y - Being Under Satan's Yoke. Can be very, very true...

One of the craziest part of our gospel of Jesus Christ is the message of love and grace in the world today.

To do good to those who hate you.

To forgive those who hurt you.

To care for those in need - regardless of who they are.

To be able to be joyful even in the toughest times.

And that is something even some Christians themselves can't accept.

Grace

Living in the midst of tempation
I struggle and easily fall
The inkling to destroy self
Appear once more

Facing right into the face of evil
I stumble to become like the the heathen
Flesh taking away my beam
Taken over by lust that corrupts

Surrounded by perversion
I taint and mutilate myself
Doing things i should never even consider
Addicted to things i shouldn't even, touch

So i cry out in desperation
To the Almighty forsaking all
Because i am an unworthy vessel
A monster, saved by grace;

Requiring His grace,
Once more.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Don't ask why. please.

I do not know what to do for my future!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



God help me.

JS Reu...

Sobs...

Worship

So what about worship?
Warning: This is an opinion post and can be quite long.

"Worship literally means "worth-ship". Giving worth to something.^[1] In its older sense in English of worthiness or respect (Anglo-Saxon,worthscripe), worship may on occasion refer to an attitude towards someone of immensely elevated social status, such as a lord or a monarch, or, more loosely, towards an individual, such as a hero or one's lover.

'Worship' is quite often used to refer to acts, expressions and/or a state of religious devotion typically directed to one or more deities." - Wikipedia on the term worship

"In Christianity, worship is considered the central act of Christian identity, the purpose of which is to give honor or worth to God." - Wikipedia again on Christian worship

So... That's the point right? or is it not?



Or is it just another form of soft emo pop-rock?

A question we must all ask ourselves, rather.

After leading worship in my local church for 2-3 services, some of the comments i received (which was all done in good spirit, ok!) made me think deeply: There must be something more than this. It wasn't because the spirit of God wasn't there, it was because there is something else present, something that limits God...

I mean.

First thing is the focus of the people who comes to worship. Is it so they can shout and scream and jump and cry till their lungs come out (like FOB's This ain't a scene, it's an arms race) in a 'clean' manner? Or just to have a emotional experience? Or attend a B-grade concert week-in, week-out? Aren't our purpose in life (which is one being Christian is about-having a purpose) much, MUCH more than this? Sure, the worship thing in church where everyone raises their hands, sing along is very communal, beautiful and emotional (who says having a relationship with God isn't emotional?), but the point should be much, much, deeper than just that.

Like when having a relationship is much more than just the emotions. Which explains why there are so many divorces and unwanted children (don't spam this on me, i'm also a sexual being). Same like all this, worship is much more. One thing is certain, worship is much more than just cool music. It is way much more.

The atheists will spam me right about now.

"We have, within a matter of 50 years, completely changed the entire concept of what is a worship service. We’ve adopted an approach that demands ridiculous levels of musical, technical and financial commitment and resources.

Diversity, generational compatibility, even simplicity are all being blown up. Worship is now a major audience event, led by skilled entertainers, aimed at a demographic and judged by the audience reaction.

God? God has been moved around to be things like a reluctant Spirit we sing down with our songs or a divine innovator always blessing as much radical change as possible.

Why do I call this a goof? Because there is no way for this to end well. This is like a NASCAR car with the throttle stuck open. We’re stuck on a roller coaster and we can’t get off.

Worship has now become a musical term. Praise and worship means music. Let’s worship means the band will play. We need to give more time to worship doesn’t mean silent prayer or public scripture reading or any kind of participatory liturgy. It means music.

Even singing is getting lost in this. As the volume and the performance level goes up, who knows who is singing?

And who can stand for 20, 30 or 40 minutes?" - Internet monk, a blogger.

That was my main dissapointment with rallies and mega-scaled concerts. That's why i'm now weary of Lakewood, Hillsong, Planetshakers, Passion and the like. It has turned into a big buck business, nothing else.

In fact, it has already been so for many years.

It's not that i don't like the songs or the way they worship (hey, i still use their songs). It's the point of it.

And please don't get me started on mega-churches.

Somebody prominent in the worship music industry (yeah, right) has mentioned that worship is a lifestyle. And i'm stuck just about here. Besides, having earache after 'worship' is... ridiculous.

So what is worship and what is it for?

Isn't it obvious?

So i say it again.

So what about worship?

"I definitely think that worship is broader than just with music. But I think that worship with music definitely has its place." -a response to Internet monk.

EXCITED

JS mini Reu tomorrow. yay.

Getting taught a lesson in not caring

I've decided not to care on somethings. My family in particular. No point in investing in things that will not bear fruit.

It's a form of letting go in a way.

But whatever it is, i'll let the things take it's course.

I know i'm bitter.

But i don't accept crap. Cause i'm worth more, much more than that.

Edit: next, bullshitting about worship. most probably.

Tempations. AARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

-------

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in You
I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

So what about this song?

Changes.

I've decided to change somethings:

My profile explanation - it's too artificial.
My priorities. Well, just demoting somethings from the top. Will tell more soon.
Language. More direct seems to be more effective. in short, no more mr. nice guy. also, profanities filtering. need to root it out. Will explain more.
Reliance on certain people. Not you, don't worry. But it's personal.
Might remove some youtube videos from this site. Again, personal reasons.

All this cause:
1) i'm down (hey, i am a volatile person)
2) i realised somethings. Credit it to growing up.

Oh, i will not post regarding church camp. But since when was i so predictable?

Tagged back. Nice... :-)

By Wen Dee. Will put up some reply regarding her thoughts about me in blue since i did this b4... hehehe.

Edit: added stone's. In Red.

1. Who are you?
Erm, i don't know... LOL!!!!

2. Are we friends?
Yep.
Definitely. Saliva-mates (when sleeping) in JS because our beds are neighbours physically.

3. When and how did we meet?
MYF. When i was F1...
JS 2009. You rock dude.

4. Did you like me at all?
She's a pleasant girl... Makes me smile at her comments. Don't think otherwisE!!!!!
yep. If not mana boleh tahan for 6 weeks leh.
She likes me? hmm... (lol)

5. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
I pick Dee-jie, juz to make her feel old... :-p
Stone. It's self explanatory.
I'm only fond of tomatoes only coz i like red...

6. Describe me in one word.
(i'll give a phrase) A pot full of interesting treasures...
Unpredictable.
Actually??? (kembang)

7. What was your first impression?
Friendly but super quiet. Maybe coz we are from the opposite sex.
Wierd. Coz you were abit 'siao' in Kampar at the stream...

8. Do you still think that way about me now?
Definitely not on the second word... :-p
Nope. You are just noisy in your own way.

9. What reminds you of me?
The colour Yellow.
Pebbles.
Everyone remembers me thanks to my job...

10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
I hate shopping, so this is a difficult question.

11. How well do you know me?
Hmm... I'm not sure, honestly...

12. When's the last time you saw me?
A bit more than a month d...
JS graduation...
Miss you in church camp. Guys, don't think otherwise, again!!!!

13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
None
Rock on!!! (i meant that to be ironic)

14. Are you going to post this in your notes and see what I say about you?
The question is confusing me.

15. What is my best attribute?
Creativeness. Enthusiastic.
Words. Rare but expensive. Always makes me think.
Willingness to serve- really???? (kembang again)

Back

from outstation.

It was crazy. try going for 3 camps in a row (and doing the sound).

I'm tired. Of traveling, packing bags, working and not sleeping.

More updates coming up.

First up: Church camp

TAG from Alfred

1. Who are you?
A human being
2. Are we friends?
Yeah. JS MATES!!!!
3. When and how did we meet?
YLDP '07
4. Did you like me at all?
erm??? lol! of course lar
5. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
Alfredo. Coz that's how i rmbr u. It IS your nick, mah...
6. Describe me in one word.
Quiet. Meaningful, joyous. oops.
7. What was your first impression?
None, actually. Wierd, right???
8. Do you still think that way about me now?
It's obvious, right???
9. What reminds you of me.
my phonebook. You are no.2 in the list.
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
hmm... interesting question. No idea.
11. How well do you know me?
not sure...
12. When's the last time you saw me?
JS graduation. MISS YOU MAN!!!!
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
You are cool??? lol. Seriously, i wished i was closer to you...
14. Are you going to post this in your notes and see what I say about you?
Don't understand the question
15. What is my best attribute?
Hmm.... i feel you are joyful all the time...

TAG :
-Andrew
-Ern Wei
-Kent
-Mike Sam
-Praise
-Stone
-Jun Arn
-Wen Dee

Ps: i love doing tags...

Regrets

Talk about regrets
I regret the not
I regret not choosing the correct path over many times in my life
I regret not putting priority in what actually matters
I regret

Talk about regrets
I regret getting involved in things i should have never even considered
I regret in corrupting myself in ways previously unknown
I regret the places and times of red
I regret

Talk about regrets
I regret not going for somethings i should have went to
I regret losing the closeness of many friends so dear to me
I regret being responsible for the damage i've done
I regret

Talk about regrets
I regret delaying things which should have been overdue
I regret making things too little, too late
I regret not growing in the correct way
I regret

Regrets, there in each point of life
A beautiful work of art in destructing you
Mutilating you
But a moulding necessary to create you
A distinct being
So one thing i do know:
I do not regret going through all of it.

-------

Sorry. In a emo mood. I know this sucks.

Relying on God

It so seems that God has been pushing me to continuously trust and to totally rely on Him. Bible verses, situations, people mentioning it...

So i shall. Besides, i have nothing, absolutely nothing to lose.

i'm a workaholic

Confirmed terminal!

I've just found out that the best ways to draw in spammers is to be an interesting blogger who makes it upfront about your faith and beliefs as you will definitely tread some toes. Soooo... Should i do just that and get SPAMMED (just for the view's sake) or should i back down a bit??? hmm... interesting question... :-p

Anyways, here is some of my random pictures of a semi-typical working day.


The monster awakes!!! :-p


First order of the day: Food.


REAALLLY TASTY. Cheap too.


Loading...


All set! :D


On the road...


Something interesting.


Arrival.


Setup.


If only it was so easy to use as the box says... (but that's my job ain't i?)


Da show.


not feeling well... T.T


Job done. Travelling back.


More nice food.


Work done. Falling asleep on the way back...

Worship Central as a lighting guy

@ DUMC. Great talk. Great worship. Great equipment. Bad sound, bad crew-mates. Earache. Dissappointed.

MYF Sunday

Awesome. Glory to God.

Not feeling well

Food poisoning. Agony.

Farnie!!!!

Playing with FATE

A little each day
An addition each week
An accumulation this month
A consuming this week
A addiction for a lifetime

On location and on site
A scandal just waiting to unfold
A score of lives destroyed
Satan's tool to hinder
Steal, kill and destroy

Playing with fate
Rejecting one's destiny in view of a temporal pleasure
An escape from reality
A rejection of plain and simple common sense

Now stuck,
Unable to break free
Unable to utilize your full potential
A sting of guilt
A sting of remorse at the self mutilation made to self and others

Playing with fate
Not knowing when it will take it's toll
Not knowing when it will be when there's no return
Not knowing when it will be a thousand pieces, missing

Oh why do men have to be less than men?
Oh why can't we stand up on our ground and stay UNAFFECTED?
Why do we have to have broken lives and broken homes?
Why do we have to not adhere to the inner conviction that we should never have tried it in the first place?
And why do we have to leave nothing but scars in it's wake?

Playing with fate
Folks, stand your ground
Or there might never be you again
But just,
A ZOMBIE,
Stuck with the wrongful pleasures of life,
Waiting for your eventual DESTRUCTION

Choose now this day
Because i am talking from experience
Because
I am also talking to myself.

Kick me!!!!

Somebody PPPPPLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEEE K-I-C-K me from the back for regressing... i should be progressing.

Haiz. Emo.

Edit: on a similiar note, it's HOT here. Unfortunately not because of hon-hon... It's the heatwave. Haiz.

i'm tired.

sometimes it like it's not worth it. like i strive and slog in vain...

that i might be wrong, just wrong...

i should know better...

wait.

i do.

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, alll of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

What can we give
That you have not given?
And what do we have
That is not already yours?
All we possess
Are these lives we're living
That's what we give to you, Lord

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life
Lord I offer you my life

Funny how the best products come under desperate times in desperate situation by desperate people.

I guess it's the desperateness that causes the gem to be coughed out.

GMC MYF Sunday

This notice is for all KL/PJ-ians and for those who happen to drop by/so free can specially come/currently residing in KL or PJ...

My church MYF is having a special MYF sunday this May 17. (it's a rearranged sunday worship service). It's 9am at Grace MC, Sentul (beside Sentul LRT station). Food, songs (many), testimonies, a hot sermon (s'baners n KLians, i take u kno tat who am i implicating???), an a installation of the new MYF committee. My church's MYF will be taking charge of the WHOLE service. All are cordially invited. Do be warned that the church's gonna be packed and we need to confirm food so those who are coming plz confirm via sms/email to me or andrew wong. Thanks. Do spread tis 2 ur church MYF if u r from KL/Selangor district.

Tim

A phone call

A phone call long overdue
A phone call delayed by lack of privacy
A simple 15 minutes needed to fulfil a human need
My human need

Something incomprehensible without hearing the voice
Something that only happens in that private phone call
Something so miraculously healing and restoring
Something so strengthening

I know that that person is sent for a time and a purpose
I know that God's reason for the tragedy is perfect in His timing
So that i can pour my heart out and cry
So that i can find myself in this challenging world

-------

My feet is hurt... ouch ouch ouch ouch... A cut sustained by a splinter tat refused to close (no blood tho) due to nothing... now it's swollen... Haiz.

Edit: The old Carmen cassette is finally fully restored into digital audio. Cool sounds man!!!

Revive Me, O LORD!!!!!

Inspired from Revive Us, Oh Lord, Carmen, The Champion (copyright 1985)

Lord, here i am;

Turned from Your ways,
Ceased to bear Your name;
Lacking Your power in my prayer,
Lacking Your strength I once knew to face my adversities.


Lord,

i've relied too much on myself,
Trusted too much in the creation of man;
Forgotten Your commands,
Lived an unrighteous lived.


My Saviour and Friend,

Apathethicness and hypocrisy has set in,
I have left my testimony unjustified;
I have became complacent,
And i plead, My Father, to:

Revive Me, Oh LORD!
Revive Me, Oh LORD!
Cleanse me from my impurities
And make me Holy once more
Hear my cry,
And Revive me, once more!!!

It's over.

2 down and 1 to go.

phew.

-------

I'm starting to have nightmares again... Coupled with the inability to sleep, i'm sooo worn out.

Lonely and frustrated with the desire to (but unable, yet, to) BREAK FREE.

Haiz.

My Lord, My God, My Father and My King,

HELP ME!!!!!!!!

The 18 Delimma

I'm stuck now... Not knowing which to choose. A crossroad of a decision which might potentially change my life, problem is, i need to decide by the time when i'm officially eighteen, in less than 3 and a half hours.

Why and what is that, you might be wondering. So let me bring you an exclusive, juicy view of myself.

At the age of 18, you're legally entitled to do many things you weren't allowed to, because you are no longer considered a minor. Although the protection of the juvenile court is withdrawn, according to Malaysian law, you are now, technically, much more free to things and be self-responsible.

So, at 18, i can now choose my own religion (and convert without parent's consent), get married (don't make me feel desperate plz... :-p), have sex, go into some previously unallowed stores (like most cybercafes, legally, or clubs - tho some of them restrict access to above 21s only), or to... drink booze.

Sure, i'll abstain from any sexual relationship till marrige (seriously), i'll not go clubbing in my entire life (unless i enter it to work, but not to enjoy, which i have already been doing), i'll most probably not go into sex stores (unless for my wife... :-p) but i have no idea on alcohol. At all.

Why or why not? Let me see...

Taking, hmm... Firstly, what's wrong with that? I know some would say Methodist doctrine lar, dedication lar, yaada yaada yaada. Sure, i know about that. Keeping yourself pure, not falling captive to a 'tree', and the rheotic goes on and on. But i didn't say i wanna take it like a drug, i didn't say i wanna go casual drinking all over the place at every chance i got. It's just that whether i allow myself to take it or abstain from it when situations rise, say, family celebrations (half of my family's non-christian, while d other half is 'alcohol is fine' roman catholics). You'll appreciate if you can 'blend in' and not face the 'interrogation' of not joining in since you're now a full-fledged adult. Plus, what if i go out with friends, particularly non-christian friends? I'm still susceptible to peer-pressure, you know. In short, making a stand can be quite tough, and concious-wrecking.

Not taking? I have many reasons for doing so also. Firstly, it's a sign of dedication and purity. I can ensure that i have a guranteed clear mind and conciousness. I will also make a strong statement to my friends, that you can play hard and enjoy life, but still not 'get down and dirty'. In short, it is a good testimony, both to myself and to the people around me. In fact, i feel greatly inclined to make this decision.

However, i need to make some things straight first before i choose to abstain.

Making myself starkly different can throw people off, especially my family. If you seem so 'holy-moly' to them, they'll just react that you're just show-offs and not serious about your faith. It'll seem that you're so 'religious', and that isn't exactly good witness either, especially to my family. And i'm extremely concerned about them. I love my extended family and i want to make sure i have the maximum chance of exposing them to the truth. As it is my family are treated as outcasts as we are protestants. So one more thing to repel us isn't gonna help.

Also, i do not want my desicion to be influenced by people and emotions, especially. Abstaining from alcohol can be just a emotionally bitter reaction to what alcohol has done to my family. Broken marriges, broken homes, broken hearts (including mine) is what i have the problem with. I must make sure i make a vow based on me and God, but not me and people. That much i am certain.

I need time to pray about this. Advice are warmly welcome. As it is, i've got an extension because i need to work non-stop till monday, despite it being a big b'day. I never wanted this one to be a big one in terms of celebration. I wanted this to be a solemnly big one as i make important decisions like this - like go to church and pray real hard and dedicate myself to God. But as it is, i can't do just that. Bummer.

Eighteen.

So here i am. i'm gonna be 18 in 4 days. My mind's pretty fuzzy. This is so unreal.

Anyways, straight to business.

-------

18. Eighteen. It basically means that my teenage years are left but a fraction to enjoy. So, i should start being oh-so-nostalgic and go all-melt-y on the sweet-sweet memories i had throughout my childhood and teenage years. Saying it was oh-so-memorable and i-would-never-change-anything for that great, bittersweet times i had. OH... The reminiscence of those years.

no. I can't. And i won't.

Reminiscing it isn't a pleasant experience. a summary? i can put it in sweet words. No, I CAN'T.

It was a roller coaster ride. And a horrifying one at that.

My early childhood was a confusion. Cue economic crisis and family marital troubles to get the picture in your brain. Besides, ADHD means you're disconnected from the world. And that everyone, EVERYONE, finds you annoying.

My late childhood was traumatic. New christian, church troubles, demons and drunk father was a part of the picture. What more can i say?

Early teenage years was one of corruption. I disregarded God, took my life into my own hands, and damaged it. Studies went to hell. Searched for affection and affirmation in the wrong places. What do you expect? I don't even know where. I didn't know who to turn to. And God was trying to speak to me all that time. Ignored it. Result? hurts, bitterness and loneliness - all-in-all a dangerous cocktail of destruction. Not enough? Cue in extra troubles moving in from my late childhood. There. Perfectly sick.

Now, my late teens has passed before my very eyes. A time of darkness, betrayed trust and a never-ending circle of corruption erupted. Evil at it's very worst. In short, my 18 years have been one that i have suffered beyond what somebody my age should have.

I do not desire sympathy. I do not desire all of that 'oh that means you'll be used greatly by God' crap. This is my history and i would gladly change it for something else. But i can't. I'm helpless. I'm decidedly less human inside and less complete inside because of all that has happened in these years. 18 years. How i wished it was short. or shot.

But this is me. This is what happened. Sure, great stuff did happen. Some much better than what one can experience. Like MYF, JS and CF. But those are few and rare in between. This is what is a reward of suffering so much in those times.

But that was not all.

Before depressed you go shoot yourself in the groin or something like that after reading so much about sad sad stuff, i got something to say about all this.

God was there.

And even if i would happily change it for something else, it is still worth it. And this is simply because He made sure i didn't die. He didn't give up on me even when i did gave up on Him. And here i am, redeemed.

So come this April the 26th, i can only be thankful for the 18 years i am here on this planet. Because it has been ONE HELL OF A RIDE. I can only anticipate what is ahead of me. My God is an AWESOME God.

Wicked

Drifting away in outer space
Doodling over the cybernet
Something comes on TV
Something sensationally wrecking

Hollywood with it's charms and bling
Hollywood without any substance
Just to come out a simple story line
They reawaken the trauma within me

Seven months has passed
The scars of betrayal healing
Wounds fading away
Suddenly torn open

Reliving the scene in my mind
Recounting the traumatic experience
Refeeling the disorientated emotions
All in an hour too late to contact him.

So what could i say?
What can i do?
Except reach out for help from above,
And classify the scene, wicked.

-------

Sorry for those who suddenly see me become very odd last nite. Hope this explains abit. I'm rather 'out' now...

Countdown...

It's 8 days before my 18th. Stormy feelings about it.

Also, seeing my close friend suffering from depression, lost and many other feelings make me feel very...

I think i've got an explanation for all this. Burnout.

I'm lonely.




Miss them.

It continues...

Am i too nostalgic?
Am i too emotionally driven?
Am i too emotionally indifferent?
Am i offensive?
Am i too DFA?
Am i too much?
Am i?

I find myself pushing against the wall,
I find it impossible to proceed,
I find the circumstances so hard, so different;
I find it hard to relate,
I fund it hard to connect;
But why does it have to be 'I'?

It's a need to keep it in perspective
It's a necessity to know Who's BOSS
It's known to be that i'm still in need
But that leads me back to ask:

What is the problem with 'I'?
What is the point of 'me'?
What is the purpose in this?
What is my direction?
What is my future?
What is my connection?
What is my difference with others?
What is, Am I?

Banging around... the bush. Banging.

OK, i'm emo, in a very bad mood, and generally fell left out. Stress and emo-ness. That's me.

Let me explain.

I see people going on for studies. Coming to KL (the only thing that cheers me up), going to Singapore, going to HK even. Scored alot for SPM, so they're going for the maximum they can reach to, limited by results, time, money and the home-sickness. People having tons of free time. Having a purpose of life. Knowing about their future. Choosing their own path to take. Grounded. Getting distant in relationship. With me at least.

Me? Haiz.

I dunno what on earth am i doing. My finances are uncertain (tho miraculously provided by divine methods). I'm just stuck doing my job day-in, day-out. I'm so busy i don't have time to think much or do what i intended to do (PDP, practice, research on future studies, go visiting, etc... even morning devotion). It's not that i don't like this job or it's too unhappening for me. Don't get me wrong. It's happening alright, but not the way i wanted it to be.

Even worse, i don't feel like i belong. The things i'm used to just seem not right. I just feel that my home is not my home any longer. Yet i can't escape, i can't move on to things. I feel trapped in somewhere i don't wanna be at.

I'm lost. And lonely.

I hate being the pathethic person who would make a drama out of everything that appears to me. About getting attention over anything that happens. About drawing attention to myself. No, i detest it. It's just that everything is going rollercoster here. Even my emotions.

Everything seems dull now. It just seem too happening but yet unhappening. I'm disconnected. I don't even feel joined in my youth or with my youth mentor. I'm so self-concious whenever i'm in youth. I feel fake.

HELP.

Austin?

Blessed be Your name!

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name!!!

Amen.

Holy Week + 1st part of this week

So. How was it?

Uneventful. Boring. Sinful. Stressed out like s**t

That summarized my days till Good Friday. Evening.

The Good Friday service. WOW.

There were no sermons or anything like so held in my church. It was a nails thing. But let me give a blow by blow account. Sort of.

Ok, i'm dead tired. Again.

It was a pretty last minute decision to go to the service. Yes, i wanted to go, but i wasn't free as i was supposed to pack for the super hectic schedule of Sunday and Monday. But since me and mom was free and i'm an idiot when it comes to measure me energy level, we decided to go just 10 minutes before the service starts. And it takes exactly 10minutes, without a highly possible traffic jam, to drive there. And we weren't ready yet. Perfect.

So went we did. And we arrived 15 minutes late. Perfect.

Yes, God has a perfect timing. Coz the second i went into the hall, they were into the second nail (there were 6 nails). And boy did that nail and the next few hit me like a ton of bricks.

I realized that i have gotten pretty distant from God. The reason why i'm getting myself frustrated due to lack of performance, is due that i didn't tap into God's power and strength. And i've gone astray. And that i need to put back my trust on him.

So i did just that. And did it turn out to make the difference come Easter Sunday.

You see, i did not know at all whether i can tahan the day's hecticness. I led-sung a song (with two other song leaders) and danced to a song (simple one lar) for the MYF's special performance. That turned out extremely well. You can check out my youth's blog (link just added) for that.

Then i needed to go do a Chinese Orchestra Concert. It was pretty big in terms of the Orchestra. And that turned out well. So did a goverment event.

Well, what else can i say? All Glory to God!

Edit: Next: my 18th b'day post. Stay tuned. Man, i'm as busy as hell...

A take on the dirty, dirty, thing they call politics in Malaysia.

Seriously.

My views can be quite critical, so do ignore this if you don't wanna hear some politician bashing... probably. It's impromptu.

So, according to news sources both from our national (online version) papers and others, i see that our dearly 'beloved' Najib is PM and BN has just lost 2 of the 3 by-elections.

So our entertainment value will probably go from a hot b-grade movie to a blockbuster hit. Even if it is still b-grade.

Sorry, i'm not in a good mood, so... heheheh

I detest politics in Malaysia as it is now. As such, people, act.

Firstly.

The political turmoil in Perak and Kedah is sickening at best, alarming at worst. Both sides play dirty. We the rakyat suffer. There is no point for this crap. BN, in my opinion, has cheated, no matter whether they played with money politics or not. And as such, they should not be, or ever be in power. However, the Sultan did have his reasons for ripping the power away from PR. Even for me, i still am suspicious about Anwar and the gang. Power sharing or slim majority is never and option for these sick bastards we call politicians. the only way we can do this, is by re-electing the entire Perak state. The roadblocks, the worried traders, the spiraling economy - it's bad all-in-all. The only thing is if some idiot goes to stir up those ignorant, uneducated, self-supreme malay bumps that can come out of no where (i seriously do not know why there is a group in their race who is like that), by making them think that the stake of their race is at stake, then we have another beautifully carved May 13 in our hands ticking off it's countdown timer.

Bummers. Which brings me on to the point of Malay sumpremacy and all that crap.

This is precisely the reason why we must continue to punish UMNO and it's BN partners on by making them lose like what we did in the two by-elections. I wake up everyday to see ciggarate butts thrown on my family's property, hateful stares, scratched cars and dirty comments played out to me by some of their self-righteous malays. They are a great race, no doubt, but i feel they are poisoned. Everywhere, even in school last time, i see Malay teens and kids staring at me as if they wanna bomb me of or something. Come on, it's not i wanna degrade you guys, as some of the other non-Ms can be quite racist, but what the hell happened to Bangsa Malaysia? With their anti-western and development culture that sickens my every being everytime i pass by the newsstands selling exclusively Malay dailies, BN must be blamed and punished for solely on not keeping tabs or even inciting this kind of racial hatred and tensions. Even if they kept tabs, this is clearly the sign that they've failed. The biggest one to punish? Hisshamuddin and UMNO youth. There is no two ways about it.

Plus, i think public perception is most important here. Until our dear BN corrects it's image of the goverment agencies, news and freedom of speech control, corruption, racial tension causer, etc, etc, etc. being the allegations true or not, we should continue voting the other way. Why? If your integrity is not right, why should you be in power? Besides, we do not even know which side of the story is true. That's why i take my news from various sources. IBecause, in my opinion, it's not news, both sides, it's propaganda. BN needs to correct it's image. If they can't, we should say goodbye. They need to prove themself. Their actions will determine their image.

Which brings me on to our dearly detested and newly elected PM.

It's no matter whether you are clean or not. If your image is tainted, you are tainted. This is politics. In my opinion, he should never be the PM just because he is alleged to be in all of the scandals. This is politics. You can't be effective if you are not loved by the people. Learn from Japan. If you want to stay in power, make sure you got your (clean) tactics ready to make people trust in you for the next 6 months. Or else, resign. There is no point. You can't be a good PM if the general public hates your very guts.

And here is my plea to politicians to both sides. Tolonglah jaga rakyat dulu. Power and who's right is no longer important. It's time we ditch all that noncense and make sure our country's in jeopardy. We don't want a second Thailand. You are making yourself into a circus. Make Malaysia something we can be proud of. As it is you are not even effective as a goverment. please, WAKE UP TO REALITY.

As for my fellow Malaysians, PRAY AND ACT. Don't let hope of a future in Malaysia fade. It's a sad fact if you have to migrate, because it is losing your identity in essence. Let's be proud of something we are willing to fight for. That is true patriotism. Even if it means going against the goverment (in the legal manner, of course). It's not about being anti-establishment, it's about standing for truth. We are granted by the Above a voice and a opinion for a reason. It's not being rebellious. It's about having a heart for yourself and your fellow people.

As it is, we are a laughing stock now. Let us change that. Malaysia, WAKE UP.